This is something I wrote a few years back when I was ready to give up all together. I am glad I am not so deep in that hole anymore.. I now find the light some days and can find joy in the little moments in life. I don’t think it’s something we search for but instead something we must cultivate every day in our own lives. It’s about finding what WE need as individuals and honestly, fuck what anyone else thinks as we find ourselves out there. Cause there can only be one of us and hiding who we are from the world is unfair to all the people who could fall in love with us for being exactly who we are. It’s unfair to ourselves because hiding behind curtains and living on puppets strings our whole lives is not really living but simply existing.. and I can say merely existing is no way to spend our time here. I’ve been there done that and like I wrote below, I was ready to give up all hope.
Let’s look back a few years:
August 22, 2018
When the demons came for me I almost half questioned why they came so late. Where were they when I was sleeping on concrete porches under the indigo sky, with the smell of stale cigarettes and whiskey the only things to comfort me? Where were they while I was riding in the backseat of strangers cars daydreaming out the window of someday finding home? Or when the hands of the person I love were around my neck, telling me I’d never be good enough. Where were they on the helpless nights when I gave into easy fixes, the illusioned comfort of strangers, the uppers, the liquid I shot into my veins? The cheap routes and excuses for why I couldn’t get my shit together?
The nights I cried myself to sleep, hyperventilating, trying to catch my breath wondering why it all had to hurt so much. Why everything had to hit so hard. Where I’d squeeze myself tight into a ball, trying to keep myself together because I hardly felt human opposed to a zombie in the wake of a spiritual like numbness, which made everything distant, unrealistic. That dark cloud never gave me a day off. As if it was possible I could unravel anytime and realise this was all just a figment of my imagination, some kind of test or hell itself.
Cause I never understood how everyone else seemed to have it together. The heartache doesn’t go as deep for some I guess..nor this lingering sadness that doesn’t seem to want to find another home or make room for anything else.
Where is this joy we all search for but few attain? Is it hidden under a rock I am unable of lifting? Is it in the far corners of the world that are unattainable to me? Is it in the stars, somewhere far off in the galaxy?
Cause I’ve been searching, I’ve been many places, done many things and met all sorts of people, good and bad. This feeling doesn’t go away.
But the Demons are here now to take me somewhere new. No more worrying, heartache, pain, or the lonely that doesn’t wash away.
Maybe the demons have been with me all along guiding me through this miserable life. But today they’ve shown themselves and I am ready to give myself to them fully.
Maybe joy was never a thing we were meant to experience. Maybe the human mind made it up in order to find some sort of peace in the chaos we call life or maybe it was always just me and I simply wasn’t suited for it. All I know is, it will all be over soon. No more suffering, no more excuses.
