This was a journal entry back when I was 19 and fearless. Or so I thought I was. Until one night when I was walking alone and a sudden fear past over me when I realized maybe I wasn’t ready for this all to be over.. maybe I want to feel what it’s like to really live before the inevitable catches up with me as it does us all.
December 12th 2015
It is 9:54 pm and I’m blasting sad music in my room, just spacing out and thinking. Oasis Wonderwall at the moment. Music hits me way too hard most of the time. Even the happy songs make me tear up. There is just so much emotion, feeling behind those words and it all hits me harder than it should. Maybe the happy songs hit because the feelings and happy times they talk about is something I long for or maybe I am just a crybaby that let’s things hit harder than they should.
About 20 minutes ago I just got back from a walk with the dogs. First time I have been out since I told the one person who is kind to me and tried to be my friend, that I am not interested in hanging out or being friends really. I sort of feel like I hurt her way more than I intended to… deep down I really do want a friend but I guess I am just too worried that I won’t be entertaining enough or cool enough, or interesting enough. I didn’t want her to eventually realise how much of a loser I was and decide she wanted nothing to do with me because my heart truly can’t take that hurt. So, I rejected her before she could reject me I guess. Although sometimes I think hurting someone else hurts more than being hurt. Her name is Sammy.
I hate hurting people though and if I could take all her heartache away I would. Having a friend right now though will just make me think too much about everything going on in their head, in their lives and relationships and I will stop trying to fix the issues going on in my own head and life. I needed to be selfish I guess.
Now listening to A thousand miles by Vanessa Carlton. Losing my religion, REM. Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.
Anyway like I said I just got back from a walk with the dogs. When they got tired I dropped them off at home but it was nice out (somewhat) and I didn’t want to go in yet. Being outside definitely made me feel less trapped, less boxed in. With the sky as my only roof, everything felt more freeing, more endless. It was rainy and foggy out but today was 13 degrees. On December 14th that’s crazy! We haven’t had any snow yet. After dropping the dogs off I walked to the path on my street with the creek. It was pitch black except from the tiny glow of the street light at the far end of the path to the left. I didn’t see a soul in sight.
Usually against the dark void in the night I’m fearless, for some reason I believe I am invincible, that nothing bad can ever happen to me or if it does then I must have been in the right place at the right time, that it was meant to happen. That it was just another part of my story. Everything happens for a reason possibly.. Either to teach us something or to teach others. Or just because people are evil and selfish and bad things are always going to happen to good people. That’s just the way she goes as Ray from trailer park boys would say.
Anyway, I’m usually never scared. I’d walk through the darkest alley knowing someones been murdered in it the week before. I’ll walk through the creepiest, darkest path alone, not knowing what is on the other side, and I’ll pass by any strange man with ease, knowing that they could possibly grab me and take me away or that my life could be over within seconds, but I’m never scared. I don’t know if it’s because I have never had much to live for, I’m sad so whatever happens I guess I just never cared. Or if it’s because I am just stupid. Life really is sacred, everyone should be careful when they are able to. I don’t know if I thought I’d just be able to fight them off or if I’d just accept that everything happens the way it does because it is supposed to. Or maybe on a deeper level I knew if it happened to me that there would be one less girl in the world it would happen to. Someone that might have had more to live for than me.
I was never scared but for some reason tonight I felt fear. I felt like someone was watching me while I made my way through the path getting closer to the creek. And I don’t know if I felt fear because now I see how much more sacred life really is and I realized I had a lot more to live for than I first thought. I don’t know but I was standing in the darkness when all of a sudden about 10 feet away from me there was a long black figure that I couldn’t make out until I adjusted my eyes and looked closer and seen that it was a person walking really slowly towards me. I thought to myself at the time “this is it, I knew this would be the way I go.” The man slowly walked right by me and mumbled something that sounded like it was in a different language. But I felt relieved at that second to be alive, that I was still standing there breathing, able to walk, able to smile, able to feel. I realized I am worth something and I am going to do something with this one life I have. Even if this sickness, this depression gets the best of me sometimes, my main goal is to conquer it, kick it’s ass and put it all behind me. At least I hope.
I am not sure why this feeling of fear came over my tonight when usually I hold no fear about the inevitable fate that will one day come to us all but it was there and it was heavy. And it made me realize that sometimes I was selfish for complaining about life when there are people who have it a lot worse and endure a lot more heart aches and discomforts than I ever have. I needed to learn to make most of the life I have been gifted with. Sometimes it just seems so far way. It seems so hard..
