Until I became aware of how to become more in charge of my thoughts, I constantly aloud my over-thinking to drive me to the point where I felt as if I was going insane. This is an entry I wrote in one of my notebooks when I was twenty and going through a really difficult time with not being able to control my thoughts and emotions, I was making up scenarios in my head and psyching myself out for things that would probably never happen. I wanted to find any kind of escape to get myself out of my own head. I wanted to create my own narrative but was having trouble finding the balance between what thoughts were helping and which ones were only holding me back.
I have come a long way, to say the least and if you are interested in reading about my journey and how I was able to change my way of thinking and take complete control of my thoughts and emotions, please feel free to check out some of my other posts in the Power of Mind and Mental Health and Self Love categories. For now, let’s look back:
October 3rd, 2016
I run, I write, I meditate, I even medicate. But all you would think you would have to do is run, far and fast and as long as it takes to get away. Would it have to be more predetermined or could you break through that casing on impulse? Self-intoxication for a means of seeing through the illusion. Drugs mainly merged the realities, making it hard to decipher if the voices were me or just my usual unwelcomed friends. More stresses of the mind, the mind I am so desperately trying to escape from. But every thought that pops up: the good, the bad, the jealousy, anger, sadness, loathing, keep coming back despite my efforts to rid of them. Someone says something I disagree with, or responds to something I say reminding me again of the monster I have become. How is this how people see me, is this what I have become? Someone sees the wrong version of me and responds in the manner they think appropriate and it stings. Everything hurts. Or again, it puts me into a negative spiral of over-thinking. Stuck in the dark side of my mind. Which is the one of the only ultimate poverties of this world: being trapped in that negative spiral of the mind. Loneliness, sadness, despair all follow close behind.
We are all human they say but man are we all so significantly different. Which makes everything so much harder in turn. I was born a soul, given a mind and body. I am who I am on the inside. Language has no stable meaning, it confuses everything. I know how I feel and exactly what I “said” or meant within in my mind but when its brought out of my mind and spoken aloud it loses all meaning. Somebody hears something completely opposite and responds in that manner? If people were more intuitive and could “get it” more, would life be easier for people like me? I don’t know, but I know it sure feels like things could be a lot simpler than this.
I truly feel as if I am able to read into a person’s soul when I hear them express themselves, as if I can truly see who they are. I give the responses most people are seeking, or so it seems by their responses. (or are they all just faking it too?) But when I speak, everybody I have ever known reads me wrong. And its not like everyone sees me the same… its as if everyone I encounter reads me differently. I guess I am guilty for playing a puppet on strings a lot of the time, I play the character depending on who I am talking to.
I was born a soul, I was given a body and inside that I was given a mind, most minds are different, yes but who is to say that’s not dependant on the soul? Was I created as a soul and am being punished the evils of the mind? Something I never understand, something that makes me feel emotions and believe things that aren’t even real. Dims me down and depresses me by making me think thoughts that wouldn’t benefit anyone.
Over-thinking yourself into being too scared to leave the house, or that everyone is looking at you or that you’ll never amount to anything, or as far as thinking the government and all his spies are coming to get you and are talking to you through the raido’s and tv’s. Or that makes you truly believe you are fat although you weigh about 65 pounds soaking wet. What benefit does this mind of ours have if we have no ability to control what thoughts pass through it? And which thoughts we allow to take over while we allow the positive, innovative, goal-seeking, ones float right by us because it is so easy to convince ourselves we don’t deserve good things?
Half of the thoughts that come to us are destructive. We make up scenarios in our head of worst case scenarios and sike ourselves out for things that may or may not even happen. Or our thoughts trigger us by reminding us of a memory of times when things weren’t so good and we allow ourselves to go into a negative spiral of thinking. Plans get canceled. Opportunities get missed. All because of these destructive, non essential thoughts that float into our minds.
I am my soul and I will keep running, writing, meditating, medicating, whatever it takes to get away. To escape. Because I don’t believe I need the stresses of the mind, they are an unessential tool that only holds me back from reaching potentials I know possible when only the unwantes thoughts clear & I create my own ones.
I will never succumb into believing that the mind is the self but whatever it is, it was given to me, it is not me, my mind does not define Kayley Shaver. My soul conscience is who I am, I feel it.
Day after day I am tortured by the misconception of my mind being me. When I am down I now blame the evil thing inside my head that either is testing to see how strong I’ll be or is simply a leech trying to take every last good part of me. Something that makes us question our beliefs and ability to be extraordinary.
The mind is just a distraction. Makes us believe we are creating these thoughts so they must be true but in reality we are mostly just an observer to our thoughts. Because our real thoughts and decisions are made from the conscious mind, we are really just spending most of our time nodding, listening, agreeing, conforming to our minds. A thought floats into our mind and we claim as our own thinking it’s authentic. But we are NOTHING BUT OBSERVERS. The mind does the talking or the “inner monolog” and we do the following.
The thoughts we attach to the ones that just float in is where we complicate it even more. We allow ourselves to go down that negative spiral based off a thought that jsut floated into our head when we were thinking nothing along the lines of that on our own. Perspectives change, plans change, friendships change. All because of a thought that we allow to get out of control by attaching other thoughts on to it.
Should you trust that thought that jsut pops into your head? Nah, brush it out, clear the mind, create your own thought. Attach as many positive thoughts as you can to that one and just watch the difference when YOU are the one in control.
I am trapped. People don’t get it. I hardly do. But I know I want to run. The distance it takes. Run, clear any thoughts, at least the ones which aren’t mine.
Depressed people dealing with battling a demon they so badly believe is theirs. Yes, they helped manifest it by attaching thoughts to the initial though but depression in itself is our own fault. People are fighting a war with themselves they could never begin to understand. Once the negative cycle starts it seems impossible to get rid of. The demon comes and brings that dark thought and you create a spider web with all your other thoughts until it’s all tangled and you feel trapped and like there is no way out.
The crazy thing is that we all have our own original thoughts so even if 100 people had the same initial thought that floated into their brain, the outcome of their actions would all be different because of the varied attached thoughts that come from each individual soul conscience. Fucking us all up. Making us all believe our way is the only way, the right way.
Im gonna run, write, jump. Fly in planes, travel, hike, adventure I’ll live freely under no permanent roof so I don’t feel trapped. I will spend most of my time devouring the moment at hand, observing my surroundings wondering where it all began. I will create my own thoughts and be free in my mind. I will get out of this entrapment that the whole.world including myself seems to be stuck in. Whatever else happens, I will find what makes my soul happy and finally let go of the stresses of the mind and heart. Stop allowing them to control me. And just be. Not live, not exist. Just be. A soul. Me.
Maybe it will only happen fully when I’m gone.
That will be my heaven.
