So, I’m one of those people who really does not like change which is why I stayed at my job for 5 years (a kitchen manager at a roadhouse) although I always knew I wanted to move on and work my way up to being a chef. I need to be able to work under a chef to do so or go to culinary school which I don’t have the money for. Plus I heard learning hands on under a chef, was just as good, if not better sometimes.
A few months back I got into an argument with my boss and I decided it was my time to make the leap. I put my 2 weeks in and about a month later I was working at a small tavern that does all their food from scratch and has some knowledgeable cooks there. I’ve learned a few things. I just hate change like I said so I’m constantly judging myself and telling myself I’m not interesting enough to start new places because people who know me, know I’m just a quiet closed off type of person but kitchen people are usually not…. so in new places I’m just sort of the quiet awkward girl and I hate it because it creates a crazy amount of anxiety. Which I fought so hard to get rid of and working in Kitchens and working my way up to a manager has helped with that.
I got offered a job at a very fancy golf course in my city that does huge weddings, banquets, other events, catering and has four red seal chefs.
I went in for two interviews, the second one being where I had to cook for the chefs including the executive chef. My meal was chicken marsala and was good enough to get hired.
So I’ve recently filled out all the paper work, re-did my food handlers and other courses and I start on April 15th. I also have to go in on April 3rd, 4th and 6th for wedding tastings and training. I am so excited but so nervous.
I am going to be working with chefs that have cooked all over the world (some of them) and they’re going to have so many stories and be so cool and interesting. I am quiet and they’re going to be asking me questions about a thousand different things but honestly I don’t do much.. I stay at home.. have a small group of friends (not really even), I have my family, my finance and step daughter and usually I’m good with that. I have a trailer up north where I love spending time outdoors with family. I love cooking for people. I have a huge passion for writing but I feel like I am better at sitting by myself with pen and paper in order to write something interesting but when it comes to real life? I have nothing to say, I have no clue how to open up. Even if I did, like I said there isn’t much too say, I guess I am pretty boring.
It really has been depressing me these days more than ever because I just want to wake up happy and not constantly worry about the judgement of others but I don’t know how.
I keep telling myself with time that I will figure it out, but it has been quite a lot of time, I am now 26 and feel the same way I felt at 9.
I really do love working and making a name for myself, I am a hard worker, especially working in a male-dominated industry, it is fun to me to prove that I can do more than it may look like off people’s first impression of me. I can get down on my hands and knees and scrub a floor, or clean out a hot fryer, (I used to do it weekly) I can keep up just as much as anyone else can and I take pride in that.
But other days I can admit that I would truly be a happier person if I didn’t have to go out and work but instead from home. Find a cozy place out in the country, with a big deck and beautiful view, with my loved ones and live out the rest of my life cooking good meals for the people close to me and writing my stories and reading my books. That would be enough. And it would get rid of all the anxiety, pressure, stress, self-hate at times, the nagging feeling in my head that I am not interesting enough, cool enough. The people close to me think I am so who cares what other people think? Clearly I do and I can’t help it.
There are days that I just tell myself “we are all human, who cares” something my dad used to tell my sisters and I all the time, and I put my head down, do my work that I know I’m good at and I don’t worry about trying to be someone I’m not just to be liked. More often than not people think I am snobby or think I am better than them…. I really can’t win.
I truly hope I stop caring soon because it is quite exhausting to live like this and I don’t want to forever. Maybe I will have to go find my little piece of paradise out in the country sooner than later.
I will write blogs updating on how the new job goes. Wish me luck guys. Fingers crossed I can be cool, haha.
If you are interested in reading about a variety of different subjects such as mental health, inside the minds of disturbed artists, the importance of being an introvert, importance of body language and non-verbal communication, the importance of mental rehearsal and imagery, the power of our minds, mindfulness, metaphysics and the cosmic world and how all the great genius’ of the past have tapped into this power to achieve seeming miracles, addiction, abuse, the effects loneliness and so much more, please check out some of my other posts:
