Like I have written plenty of times before, I do not see myself as the smartest girl, but ever since I was young I feel I had this understanding of the world, even before education. I could never quite comprehend why everything hit me so hard or why I felt so much. I looked around and no one seemed to be seeing things the way I did, nor did they seem to feel the feelings of others, their pain, their joy, even their guilt as I seemed to. Not only did I carry my own feelings and fears around but I seemed to carry everyone else’s around with me as well.
I couldn’t see somebody get rejected by the cool kid, or shut down by their crush without feeling some of that pain myself. I sometimes even felt it physically, I would feel like my heart was dropping to the pit of my stomach or I would feel a sick, fluttery feeling in my stomach.
Knowing that people are hurting is something that is very hard for me to think about. Knowing that I can not help everyone or even begin to help even one because I can hardly help myself, is something that continues to bother me. Although I am getting older and have changed many bad habits and ways of thinking, this is still something that continues to pester me.
I know I shouldn’t worry so much and I do know it is impossible to be everywhere at once, helping everyone and that just helping the people around me when I can, should be enough, but it just isn’t sometimes, I hate it.
Knowing the hurt, the pain.. The misery.. It’s too much. I really do get why people resort to drugs or alcohol, any world must be better than this one. At times, at least.
The nervous system doesn’t know the difference between things we actually experienced or things imagined in vivid detail as if we did experience them. I don’t exactly try to relive my own as well as other painful experiences in my mind but I do, and because of that and because the feelings I allow when I witness these experiences, my nervous system is probably working in overload constantly attaining all this information. Just making my life a little harder than it needs to be.
I feel that the pain I allow myself to feel puts a negative view on my perception of life. If I allowed my heart to see the bright side of situations, to allow the pain to be a stepping stone to some sort of enlightenment, instead of using it as an excuse to say all life is dreary and dull, a failed experiment, a useless stage in our eternal spiritual journey, life would probably become easier. I rarely follow my own advice though.
Like Tom the character created by Dean Koontz, explains in the book From The Corner Of His Eye, I also see layer upon layer of beauty in this fallen land but I also see the chaos, the demons in all of us and how us as humans too often allow them to get to us, we let the darkness overpower the light. We create the very miserable world we live in with all the negative ideas and feelings put out into the universe.
It is so sad to think about all the naïve, kind-hearted people that put their full faith in people, believing that they are exactly who they say they are and are going to do exactly as they say. The people who see simply just see the good in people, oblivious to the bad.
Even when the warning signs are there, they continue to block them off because they can’t comprehend someone choosing to do bad opposed to good for no cogent reason. Its heart breaking knowing that those people eventually will see the true colours of the person they once held so much faith for. Although they will still try to paint a different picture, they will know, and the truth will destroy them. Like it does us all.
We no longer hold that naïve belief that someone who says they love you means it to the full extent. Even if the person gives us every reason to believe so, trust is a hard thing to get back and unfortunately sometimes the wrong people get to endure the pain of our trust issues and rejection. It’s a cycle, we all just keep fucking each other up.
As humans its normal I guess for our guards to fly up, be on the look out for people who intend to hurt us.
I know my guard did at least.. Because I was so stupid.. So fucking gullible. Even after the hitting, the throwing, degrading, lying, belittling, neglecting, the hostility, I still believed that buddy loved me.. That he cared.
Even when he cheated and I knew deep down he was lying to my face I still did not want to believe that someone could do that, put you through what he put me through but I still wasn’t enough for him? He still needed to go out there and find more? I let him do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and I still wasn’t enough? I just could not believe that to be true at the time. I didn’t want to accept that that was the “love” I was allowing into my life so I pretended it wasn’t happening.
I know that anyone would say that the hitting and mental abuse was enough to show he didn’t love me.. But obviously when you are going through something like that you do not harbour the same feelings you do afterwards, you are not capable of forming your own rational thoughts for the most part. A part of you knows it is wrong what is happening so you do not talk to anyone about it. So, the only opinions you are hearing about the situation is from the person creating the situation.
When you met him and he wasn’t like that but over time he becomes angry and violent it’s easy for him to convince you, someone still so naïve and in love that it is your fault that he is like this and that you deserve everything you get.
I really did believe that he just had something off in his head, like a switch that just went off sometimes when he got really jealous or passionate about something. Or when I spoke in a manner or a tone that he didn’t like, that would sometimes set this so called switch off too and he would lose it. I thought there was a trigger sort of and if I learnt how to not trigger it then I would be okay.
I also believed that he loved me so much that is why he tried to make me feel like I wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love so that I would be scared to leave him and believe he was the only one who would ever love me. Although I was only “worthy” of his love when I acted right. He would tell me things about my appearance and personality that made me believe that he was right.
Now I see how warped my thinking was.
When I look back I really do not know how that is the life I thought I was worthy of at the time..it was the darkest days of my life but at the time I thought that was it for me. I thought that was going to be my whole life. I know now that that was not love, that nothing that he did showed love in any form.
It is just so sad, tragic even, that people of our own kind could disorient our minds and way of thinking so much to the point where we are living a life completely disassociated of that of our own.
Until we snap out of that trance someone put us in, it will be hard to find happiness or find ourselves again.
People’s actions have the power to mess us up inevitably if we allow them, it almost feels as if a part of your spirit is gone forever. Although it feels hopeless at times, I am sure that ridding of the toxic person and talking to the right people, opening up and living your life your way, with no one to answer to, it will seem easier. It worked for me.
Rejection and loss are just apart of life I guess.. Just about learning to have a strong enough back bone to deal with it..
Despite all the anger in my heart I like to try to believe in the good of the world, although my view is sometimes childish but I really do believe people mostly want to be good..at least I hope.. Because there really is so much potential for harm these days, ever since the internet, human beings have been opened to new varieties of entertainment.
From what I see, people seem to interested in some pretty dark things these days, maybe they are new interests arising or maybe the internet has just given us a way to share our fantasies that were always there.
There are so many more suicides these days.. And depression, and anxiety.. Something I wholeheartedly believe that we have manifested. We created this bubble of darkness, spread the word around about how “everyone is depressed these days” and created quotes, sayings, songs, and poems spreading the message. It’s easy to see how simple it is in this day and age to get sucked into the darkness. We get what we give out.
I believe the state of the world being so down, mixed with the want to be good and to be happy, is what makes it even harder on us all.
Everyone talks about the “good old days.” Back in the day.. When things were simpler. Yeah humans evolved and we progressed as a species because we found the means to, we are smarter, more mindful. We have the potential for more than humans back in the day did, and we are exactly where we are supposed to be I assume, in the grand scheme of things.. But I don’t know, I don’t like the generation I was born into, I really do not feel I would have the potential for much more back in the day, when things were simpler.
The days when neighbours were friendly and actually enjoyed interacting with one another. The days where we could walk through a alley a night with little to no fear of being robbed or kidnapped or harmed in anyway. The days when people seemed to be liberated just from doing a kind act for another person, when ladies baked pies for her neighbours for the sole reason of wanting to make them happy. When the mail man made conversation and the cafe’s were filled with muffled talk about good deeds done in the paper, or plans of two friends getting together for some football and beer. The simple days when people got along and found joy in making another person happy.
Not today where we hide behind our sarcastic jokes and puns because we can’t say what’s really on our minds. Where people are embarrassed to do a good deed, or say a nice thing because their friend may find it weird, or where a person receives a compliment but has to question the intentions of the person giving it because we live in a world where it is rare for someone to say or do something nice without having some kind of intention behind it that benefits them.
A world where a lot of us even find more joy in picking out all the flaws in a human before acknowledging any of their good qualities. A time when a lot of girls can’t tell another girl she is pretty because the last thing she wants to do is boost her self esteem.
If someone wants what you have, they won’t even hesitate to bash you for it, acting as if there is something wrong with you for having it. Jealously, deceit, phoniness is something we’re all used to here.
We are living in a time where kids are terrified to go to school because of how mean some kids can be, also with the high rate of school shootings I’d be scared to go to school too. The young suicides are devastating, unacceptable to say the least.
We live in a generation where technology is taking over and gradually taking over the minds of young adults and children although they think it is the best thing for them, a world where we are afraid to walk down the street alone without constantly looking over our shoulder for reassurance of our safety.
A world where hearing of shootings, stabbings and kidnappings daily is normal for the kids; something they don’t even turn their heads to anymore when heard on the news.
It’s a sad world, a fallen one it seems in ways. Humans think they are so far ahead.. I mean we have progressed and we are ahead compared to where we were before.. But with all this advancement, it seemed to create a disease in the human mind.
We are way too ahead of ourselves.. The pace of the world is moving too fast, I think we need to slow down and realise where it is that we went wrong. Fix the turmoil in the mind of men and maybe one day there will be real advancement.. Advancement of the mind.. Of the human species as a whole.
Our ancestors built these walls, this very foundation with self-righteousness, with integrity, with the utmost respect and decency for the human condition. But our future is being created by the very means of what we do now and it is crumbling before our very eyes. We live in an illusion of the future. The foundation is cracking. The walls are tumbling. We must wake up. Humble ourselves. Relinquish the past, relish the present, be the future. Our award will be the power to be adept to cross that threshold from past to future, with confidence. Inhabit the future with peace in our minds and ease in our souls.
This, sad, new, ugly world got me down some days and even when I pick myself back up I can’t do the same with the world, which is what feeds me the idea that there is no point bettering myself for a world that isn’t worth it. But I have to try. I can’t keep knocking myself down I need to break through that comfort barrier and really get out there, take a role in this ‘life’ thing, actually contribute to something. Replace this small feeling I have not been able to rid of, with a grand one.
“Maybe you had to be dying to finally get what you wanted.
I fidgeted around with the puzzle pieces for a while longer, but I wasn’t lucky. Nothing seemed to fit without a whole lot of work.
Then I had this thought: What if it was enough to realise that you would die someday, that none of this would go on forever? Would that be enough?” Carol Rifka Brunt
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