Clearly I was living in some sort of fantasy world back in 2013. Its as if I presumed things would some how magically get better as I did absolutely nothing to try to make it so… I was living a miserable life or, in reality, not really living at all. I was in some state of spiritual zombie like numbness. I isolated myself from the world because I claimed that nobody thought the same way I did and that everyone was wrong. About everything. Little did I know at the time, I was the one in the wrong.
If people didn’t understand my point of view on certain matters or if they disagreed with my views? Punching myself in the head as well as the walls, doors or whatever I could get my hands on at the time and screaming like a crazy person will certainly make them understand right? Or at least get them to see how serious I am on the matter. Or just simply feel sorry for me. That fixes everything right?
Like damn kid, the world is unfair and there are misunderstandings, DEAL with it as everyone else does. (Wish I was able to give myself some tough love when I needed it, maybe I wouldn’t have wasted 6 years of my life.)
Hahaha, man have I come a long way. It’s scary to think I ever thought this way and damn am I glad I was strong enough to break myself out of this dark cycle of life I was venturing down. I can honestly say that if I didn’t redirect the self-destructive path I was running on, I would have been dead by now.
Nothing had meaning, life was just the test we had to get through in order to see where we went next. I gave up on it, I didn’t care about what was next, or what was happening now. I wanted to be lost in my play pretend world of drugs because I couldn’t stand this place.
Let’s look back 8 years ago:
May 2, 2013
My jaw aches, my joints feel as if they are being stretched and torn, my mouth feels as dry as a desert storm, mixed with the stickiness of the two raspberry lollipops I just finished, which was the only food I consumed today, oh wait, I had a few bites of banana bread when I woke up from my day slumber feeling faintish.
My hair is matted mostly into one big knot that sits almost directly on top of my head. I think I’ve had the same bun in for 5 days now. With all the weight I’ve been losing sometimes I look at myself from certain angles in the one mirror I own and see a dirty, walking mop. In all honestly I don’t even think I have changed out of these battered grey track pants, or this now stained army green t-shirt for at least 3 or 4 days. I lose track these days.
It is now 6:43 pm, I recently just woke up after a two day binge of just drinking, popping a few, smoking, and just feeling alive. I can’t bring myself to open the curtains, let alone step out into the big bright world to have a cigarette. Knowing that the world still goes on out there, that people are still out and about making their mark in this world, a life for themselves, as I sit here in my crummy little room day in and day out where time stands still, it puts me deeper and deeper into the dark rabbit hole I have dug for myself. I’m only 17 but I still have expected so much more for myself at this age.
In every way I can admit that I did it to myself. Not necessarily did I intentionally close myself off from the world but for the most part, I just couldn’t do it anymore. My mind rarely stops, but it’s like when I’m out in the world there is this sort of humming, people everywhere sharing insights, theories, opinions, everyone all misunderstood, just trying to get someone to get it, get them. Most people with the delusion that their way is the only way.
Everyone trying to shove their belief’s and “knowledge” down everyone else’s throat. Thinking they’re teaching you something. But in reality, or at least in my head, they’re irrelevant, what they say or ‘teach me’ is of no real meaning and I might as well listen to a nail being hammered into wood, it’ll show as much significance as these “lessons.” Like Stephen King says in his blook, Finders Keeper’s, “Shit don’t mean shit.”
Plus, I’ve learnt over the years that humans are pure savage.
I’ve seen that almost anyone was capable of committing staggering atrocities under the right circumstances. Humans dehumanize other humans to make it easier to treat them horribly. They blame others, see them as morally responsible for not giving them what they deserve, or for taking more than they should. Always pointing fingers, never taking responsibility.
And I know that good and evil both evolved in our neurology and it is our internal battle we must face in order to fight off the evil. Most people proved indication of evil intent, putting up conniving personas with smiles full of malice and cruel desire.
They seem to look for the weak spots in each other, they’re triggered to open up the primitve drive within themselves instead of suppress it. Its as if none them were ever taught what kindness was.
They all seem to have sold their moral compasses, and for low prices. They become distracted with vanity, superficial images and greed. All trying to keep up with new coolest celebrity or trend. No originaility. And they all believe everything they hear on tv. This or that product or service will make you whole again, happy. Losing themselves in a superficial outlook on success and wholeness. These people will never be whole if they continue down the self-destructive paths they were travelling, I knew.
But they didn’t. Because people are so unaware and lost these days.
Me, I feel like I am different, a lot different than the majority. Not the “look at me, I need sympathy” kind of different.
Like I always say I don’t see myself as the smartest girl, never have. Yeah I know certain facts because I read religiously, I know a lot about things that interest me. But I am also stupid about a lot of things. I spent most of my young years lost in books. I started with a lot of fiction. Psychological thrillers that did teach me things about people and the mind and all that but, I never took the time to learn much about the world simply because I didn’t care about the state of the world or anything external for that matter. I was lost in myself.
Plus, in spite of how much I read I am by no means “book-smart”, I couldn’t covert measurements at the top of my head, I couldn’t tell you the capital of every continent or where they are even located on the map. I am an idiot in so many ways but also feel like I have an over stimulated, absorbing mind that helps me understand certain things about the world and people, in a way I hardly know how to put into words. It’s just an understanding, a feeling I guess.
Even when I was a little girl, before education came into play I had this understanding I guess you could say, about the world. I could never quite comprehend why everything hit me so hard, why I felt so much. And not even just my own feelings but it seemed as if I felt the feelings of those around me as well. I always felt I knew the difference between what was right and what was wrong, what was meant to be said, what wasn’t.
Even as a young girl I felt like I understood why some people became the hard, closed-off, sometimes evil people they became. I seen the world and the people around them suck the goodness they once had, completely out of them. As time went on they seemed to become less and less of themselves, until something seemed to take them all together. Some sort of darkness that clouded their lives.
As a child, with the vivid imagination I had I used to envision this darkness, sort of like a swirling black cloud that floated over the persons head. It started to stir like a tornado whenever the person seemed to be in a state of ‘down-ness” as I used to call it as a child. Now I assume what it was I was seeing is depression. Or some sort of loss of hope of the world, in the people they surround themselves with, in self. A complete loss of control of who they are and what their purpose is. A drained, and defeated specimen dragging themselves through each dreaded day, trying to find things to distract themselves to forget the pain.
I seen the pain so much as a child, everywhere. In the eyes of so many adults. And in my dad especially. That’s when I think I first learnt about this darkness. I seen the darkness grow with him each day. He put on a smile for us all and told his jokes but I always felt that deep down something in his heart was missing.
In spite of all this darkness I seen though, I really did think people wanted to be good deep down. I thought it was just the pressures of the world that got to too many of us that made people act in ways they wouldn’t normally act. Now, I am not so sure.
I have always seen layers upon layers of beauty in this world, I feel everything, I see everything. I don’t notice just a leaf when I am walking, I notice every line, every hole bitten by the little insects. Then I start to think about their habitat, all the bugs and animals and how we have taken over everything they once had. Then my mind will go on a different train of thought, and then a another, and another until all I wanna do is hide out and cry.
Every crack in the sidewalk stands out, every beep of every horn near or far. I avoid every insect on the sidewalk cause it bothers me if I don’t. I think too much, feel too much, hear too much that I never wanted to hear, see, or feel.
Being out in the world is a constant battle to keep the crazy in, over anything that anyone says that may bother me. And everything bothers me these days.
I have learnt during debates or discussions with friends and family, or anyone for that matter, to just keep my mouth shut and stay quiet. Because I know that it will end with me disagreeing with most peoples views and in the end I will be the one trying to get my point across, screaming spitting, flailing my arms around looking like the crazy one.
Now people ask me, “Kayley, why are you so quiet?” I think to myself, I’m observing, listening to your insipid theories, absurd opinions, and irrational views of the world and humanity. “Just tired, I guess.” I say.
I will never understand the thought process behind most people I encounter throughout my life. I see all the way things are and people are so blinded. So close-minded and ignorant.
The funniest thing is everyone I know thinks I’m the crazy one, that I need help. Maybe I am a tiny bit crazy, just as I believe the rest of us are to a degree, I know where my mind is and I do not need help.
I’m sorry I can’t wake up everyday and pretend everything is okay and just go on and play house like everyone else seems to do. I can’t put on a show day after day. The anger doesn’t hide within, it lingers deep and on the surface. I didn’t ask to be here. I can’t keep my hatred in at times I wish I could.. There’s just too much to think about, to learn, the not knowing, the knowing, the feelings and sensations everywhere, all the emotions of all the people. It’s too much. Too fucking much.
My life is not a movie, I don’t know how to pretend for too long and I don’t know how to not hate myself when I’m not able to control the anger within me. I am a monster, angry at everything while out. But feel whole, and like I am somebody when I am alone in my room, drinking, on something or the other, and smoking my weed. I can’t pretend I like being a social, active person makes me happy. I like my seclusion, my loneliness. I think I need it.
I stay in a lot because I no longer can find joy in anything out there.
I’m becoming someone I’m not.
Lately I’ve used a lot of physical force when I wasn’t able to express myself. I punched my fist through so many walls I lost count, threw things, thrashed around like a crazy person on the ground unable to control myself, its as if the words don’t or can’t come out so my body tries to express the pain I was feeling, I don’t know but I can say at times it feels uncontrollable.
I’ve felt this way since about 13 maybe and I can say I learnt a little to not let things bother me as much. Instead I learnt to laugh on the inside and nod and agree with certain things. But as more time went on it got harder to do. I mean, I still do fake agree and nod my head when needed, maybe throw in a chuckle here and there at stupid jokes, but to the world all I am is a boring blob that agrees and nods, doesn’t have anything authentic to say, nothing charismatic, nothing entertaining. I’m a bore. People like me, I’m tolerable but I’m not someone people talk about or get excited to see, I’m no one’s favorite person; to the world I have no personality. And it hurts.
Cause I want to be more. I used to be the goofy, always happy girl who made everyone laugh. I was the first to do a dangerous dare, or a gross prank, or go out of my way to make someone happy by doing little things I knew they liked. I never wanted to see anyone sad and I felt it a lot of the time when they were, so I did what i could to try to make them happy.
I was an ugly kid too, crooked teeth, the front tooth overlapping the other, always either an ugly bowl cut going on or scraggly hair, with split in the middle bangs. But I didn’t care about the way I looked, it never once bothered me, I remember being happy. It wasn’t until I got a little older and realized how things work in this messed up place, that I got down.
It makes me sad being the way I am now because I know that if I wasn’t so sensitive, and if I didn’t self criticise, and over analyse every move I make, I really could be a good friend, neighbour, sister, daughter. And maybe one day mother. But there is.. it’s too much. All of it. My brain doesn’t shut off and I don’t know how to live normally in a world where I feel like I need to smash my head off a wall every time it strays, or take drugs to numb the thoughts.
“I realized with fresh horror that new doors of perception were opening up inside. New? Not so. Old doors of perception. The perception of a child that has not yet learned to protect itself by developing the tunnel vision that keeps out ninety percent of the universe. Children see everything their eyes happen upon, hear everything in their ears range. But if life is the rise of consciousness then it is also the reduction of input.”
Stephen King, The Mist
If you are interested in reading more journal entries that I wrote while going through one of the toughest times of my life, check out the section on called Dark Journal Entries. If you are interested in reading about a variety of different topics, check out some of my other posts:
