Happiness seemed impossible when I was younger but as I got older, I have learned that self-harm is not the answer: things do get better and they will get better if you change your mindset into truly believing you are capable of being whatever the best version of you entails and that you are capable of getting anything you wish, feeling exactly as you wish, attaining that happiness you’ve always been searching for. It is not hidden within the clouds or under a rock but instead in the little moments where we cultivate it into our daily lives. You have to believe you can have it all and then you must start to put the effort in and take the steps and not give up when you don’t see immediate results because I promise you that if you keep trying and keep on believing that you too, are capable of happiness and freedom of the mind and attaining whatever else you may desire, you WILL see results, you WILL find yourself living the life you’ve always wanted.
As cheesy and corny as all the sayings are about having it all, the world really is at your finger tips and you are capable of so much more than you may have ever known. You CAN and WILL have it all if only you continue to believe and put in the work.
For now let’s look back at how I used to feel when I put myself into a dark, negative space and my mindset was only one that consisted of everything getting worse the longer I lived on this planet. Guess what happened? As I continued to dwell on the negative day in and day out, things got worse…shocker. Then when I started reading about the power of mind and how we are able to bend and twist our minds like elastics to think and feel exactly as we wish. Tricking our minds basically into thinking we feel okay and that everything is good until we start realize that things actually aren’t so bad and as the days go on things seem to be getting easier and easier. Fake it until it becomes you. You may not see the change right away but it will come just like it did for me. Let’s look back:
July 5th, 2015
Pizza pops, strawberries with cool whip and Chardonnay and a few oxy’s for dinner at 10:20pm. It’s just Darcy and I at home tonight, its Friday and we’re just chilling, painting, watching Criminal Minds. She ate a bunch of leftovers for dinner but I wasn’t feeling it.
I don’t know what I am going to do as of now. I know I have no interest in taking part of this society though. I need money to be able to move away and live off grid though. Or I can take the easier root. The streets, drugs to make it easy, fun even. I can travel anywhere. Hitch hike, but mostly walk. Maybe get myself a bike. Meet some decent people, see some cool places. I can make an experience out of it. Until I fade away slowly.
Or I can just give up now.
I don’t like even writing that, let alone thinking this way at all. I hate it. I never thought my life would be this way. That I would harbor this internal anger, and hatred towards almost everything. The older I get the worse it gets. I hate everything a little more each day. I don’t want to feel this way but nothing has seemed to help so far.
Guess I haven’t tried as hard as I could..
I promise to at least try to take the steps into trying to feel more at ease with this world and to hold more peace in my mind.
Wish it was easy to rid of the dark thoughts.. I just don’t know how to shut them off except through drugs, or at times, self harm. Mostly punching brick walls until there is blood running down my arm, and my knuckles feel tender and swollen.
Or hitting myself, on the head or mostly thighs, as hard as I could until the point where I got dizzy, or felt like my legs we’re wobbly and harder to walk on. I don’t stop until I get that one hard hit and feel like I am going to leave permanent damage. Even sometimes after that I keep going. Always to the point where I am in tears and whining in agony because of the physical pain, helping me forget about the emotional turmoil.
I don’t know why it ‘helps’ but it seems to, and I have an easy time convincing myself I am not actually self-harming because I am not putting a blade to my wrist, I am not drawing blood, in fact I hate blood, get squeamish when I see it. And even if what I am doing is self harm, it’s not as bad as that.
It’s when I do it around my loved ones that bothers me.
They should not have to see that and I should not make them feel the way they probably do when I do it in front of them.
When I have a disagreement with someone and I am not able to express myself properly and I keep claiming how much they don’t “get it” and then repeatedly start hurting myself, they are most likely going to see it as their fault for not “getting it” the way they should have. They try so much harder to just agree and nod. They all walk on eggshells around me, it’s sad.
Really, I flail around like a crazy person, hitting everything in sight mostly because I am mad at myself for not being able to express things properly.. such simple fucking things. But also at the fact that I don’t understand how other people aren’t very intuitive. How most people can’t seem to comprehend social cues, tones, suggestions, sarcasm, phoniness, etc.
I just hate being surrounded by people I feel absolutely no connection with. I feel so alone, so out of tune here.
I do have hope there is more than this. This can’t possibly be it. Looking at all the beauty in this world, all the art, the opportunities for greatness, I know we can’t possibly only be accustomed to this one life here. This is probably one of my many lives. Maybe this one sucks, but I’m looking forward to the next. Hopefully I don’t know who Kayley is once I get there.
If you are interested in reading about a variety of different subjects such as mental health, inside the minds of disturbed artists, the importance of being an introvert, importance of body language and non-verbal communication, the importance of mental rehearsal and imagery, the power of our minds, mindfulness, metaphysics and the cosmic world and how all the great genius’ of the past have tapped into this power to achieve seeming miracles, addiction, abuse, the effects loneliness and so much more, please check out some of my other posts:
