Oh, to look back at the mindset of my seventeen year old self who thought she knew everything but really knew nothing. For some reason this was the love I thought I deserved. I can say now, I will never have this mindset again. Maybe everything happens for a reason. I know the lesson for me in this was to learn to love myself before trying to love someone else. And that is exactly what I did and I couldn’t be happier.
Let’s look back a few years:
November 29th, 2013
I really don’t like the way he looks at me these days, it worries me. All I feel is content, hatred. Is he mad that I left him still, does he hold a deep resentment or is it something else, I wonder. I try to give him everything he wants but I am only human and can’t help speaking up sometimes when I want things to be better for the both of us. I don’t know why I never learn because this only ends up making it worse on myself.
He threw me down the porch steps yesterday which are cement, I have a huge gash on the side of my face circled by the most deep purple bruise I have ever had. As he helped me up saying he didn’t mean for me to fall just tried to get me away, he “accidentally” elbowed exactly where the blood was pouring out on my temple/ forehead. Then proceeded to bandage it up as he slammed the cloth against it and rubbed with so much force, telling me the blood was thick he had to push hard. The pain was worse than the initial hit. I made an excuse to get home.
I wet some toilet paper before I left put in my pocket as well as some dry stuff and on the way home I stopped on the trail that is a short cut from his house to mine, and I cleaned it up as best as I could before heading home. Luckily when I got home no one was there, or at least on the downstairs level, so I grabbed a bag of frozen corn headed up to my room and rested it on my face. I didn’t leave my room for the night. It was 7:30, I pretended I was sleeping anytime someone knocked, or walked in to check on me. Buying me more time to come up with some excuse as to how this happened.
I hate this.
I just want him to love me. I just want more out of this. I will take his anger and his abuse but I just want to be held at night and told I am loved. I want to feel like I am more than just a little slave, good for nothing girl to him. I want to be worth it.
Why is it men have this hold over woman, this power? I was something before I met him but because of his view of me and how lowly he looks at me, I must not be that special. If anything I feel like a nothing, as if men have always been superior to women but because I grew up in a house with two sisters, a mom and my dad being the only man, I was used to woman having their way or at least having a say in the matter, a voice. Getting to know him and his dad, it seems they live in the opposite world. That men are the bread makers, the providers, the hard workers and that women should be there at their beck and call whenever they need them. That women have nothing else to live for, or shouldn’t want to live for anything other than pleasing a man.
It is so strange that we all live on the same planet, are all humans but there are so many different ways of life depending on how you perceive situations or how your mentors taught you to perceive situations. There are so many varied views of life out there, it’s crazy to think how differently people live simply based off the beliefs or ideas in their minds.
I did think I was just as superior, just as good as a man until he made me think otherwise. There has to be a reason for someone to have so much disdain towards someone. A woman fucked up his father and now a woman fucked him up and he holds a hatred towards woman I guess? I mean, I couldn’t begin to understand how one’s mind really works. The mind is fucked to say the least.
I don’t like the way he touches me these days either. I mean I never liked being whipped around but these days it’s different. Its evil and vindictive seeming. Like he wants to embarrass me, shame me.
I lie and tell him I am on my period even when I am not, I really hope he never catches on to that. I’m not sure what will happen but if my heart is racing thinking about it can’t be too good.
I wonder if it is only going to get worse or if he will see my face one day and feel bad and he will snap out of it for good and he will find the old him again.
I really hope so because I am tired of the tears, I am tired the nights I lay awake wondering how I got here and wondering how I couldn’t be good enough for his love.
I want more. But I wont give up on him again, it will only make him worse all over again. I need to make it better for us both. That is my only goal right now.
Sometimes I just want to run away and hide somewhere new, change my name and start all over. No one will know me, I can be a new me. Yeah that means leaving him again but this time I wouldn’t have to face it.
So selfish, I know I would never be able to live with the guilt of giving up on him again. I think for now I am stuck. Hopefully things change for the better soon. Hopefully he looks at me and touches me again like he used to because I am not sure how much more I can go on like this. I’m not sure if he is trying to break me but he is doing a pretty good job at getting under my skin and slowly taking with him the person I once was. Taking away my motivation and hope for the future. Maybe those are just excuses, maybe I am just not meant to amount to much in this life.
I’ll try but only time will tell..
If you are interested in reading more about my past and what I have been through, check out the section in my site called Dark Journal Entries. If you are interested in checking out the progress I have made, check out some of the other sections such as: Worthwhile Reads, Light, Taking Care of Number One.“I realized with fresh horror that new doors of perception were opening up inside.
New? Not so. OLD doors of perception.The perception of a child who has not yet learned to protect itself by developing the tunnel vision that keeps out ninety percent of the universe. Children see everything their eyes happen upon, hear everything in their ears’ range. But if life is the rise of consciousness…, then it is also the reduction of input. Terror is the widening of perspective and perception. The horror was in knowing I was swimming down to a place most of us leave when we get out of diapers and into training pants. I could see it on Ollie’s face, too. When rationality begins to break down, the circuits of the human brain can overload. Axons grow bright and feverish. Hallucinations turn real: the quicksilver puddle at the point where perspective makes parallel lines seem to intersect is really there; the dead walk and talk; a rose begins to sing.”
Stephen King, The Mist
If you are interested in reading about a variety of different subjects such as mental health, inside the minds of disturbed artists, the importance of being an introvert, importance of body language and non-verbal communication, the importance of mental rehearsal and imagery, the power of our minds, mindfulness, metaphysics and the cosmic world and how all the great genius’ of the past have tapped into this power to achieve seeming miracles, addiction, abuse, the effects loneliness and so much more, please check out some of my other posts:
