You know those times you sike yourself out for something, telling yourself you are not capable of it, that you are going to be uncomfortable, awkward, the odd one out? So, you decide to avoid the situation or event because you cannot picture it being any different than how you imagined it in your mind. I’ve been there many times and I can say those times are probably the only real regrets I have in my life.
I have had anxiety ever since I could remember. Since I was in elementary school I have felt this sense of discomfort any time I had to work in a group project, or present something, meet new people, go to a family gathering, go somewhere without my sisters or parents, talk to authority, and almost everything in between. The only time I felt like I was content in being myself and felt “normal” was around my 3 close friends and around my family.
When I was fourteen my parents wanted to move out of the bigger city of Mississauga because they were worried about the crime there. The high schools in that area were guarded by cops sometimes because there were kids with guns, knives or other weapons. They wanted to move us to a smaller town. So, I started high school two and a half hours away from everything I knew and it was terrifying. I knew nobody except my sister who was a year older than me. She made friends fairly quickly, I never really made any at all. I was again the quiet student who didn’t talk unless spoken to. I asked all of my teachers if I could do group projects alone and if I could present my projects at lunch time or after school to just them alone opposed to the whole class. Some of them allowed it, some did not.
I always felt like everyone was watching me, judging me, making fun of me. If there was a group of people in the hall and they happened to laugh when I walked by I always assumed it was at me. I also did go through a fair bit of drama when it came to my high school ex. Rumors were spread, things were said, it made me even less inclined to want to go school. So, I skipped a lot. I avoided every school event or dance, never participated in any school activity or group. I got my projects done and was there for all the tests and exams but I missed a lot of the lessons so my grades were never very high. I never fully applied myself due to fear of going to school and being looked at, judged, bullied.
I regret that all because if I had the mindset I do now, I would have walked in with my head held up proud, being confident with who I am, knowing we are all human and not all exactly the same and that there was nothing wrong with that.
If I had went to dances or participated in school projects and had the mindset that my opinion had value, that I was interesting, and knew that everyone was too caught up in their own thoughts and lives to have any time to care about what I was doing, chances are I would have ended up enjoying myself. It really is all about the perspective and the mindset we have.
For the most part I isolated myself in high school. I went to school then either went home and hid in my room or went to my boyfriends and hid out in his basement. Some days being an exception when we went out to get high or drink with his friends. Being drunk or high seemed to be the only way I could function at these gatherings. Everyone else was high out of their minds on something or the other as well, which made it a bit easier. Even to function alone sometimes, drugs felt like my only escape to get out of my head for a bit.
I had a lot of problems with dealing with my emotions when I was in high school so my parents eventually took me to see a doctor, who recommended me to a psychiatrist, who put me through a trial and error approach of testing different anxiety/depression prescriptions to find the one who worked best for me.
A diagnoses of anxiety and depression didn’t mean much to me, I was already aware of these feelings. The pills didn’t do much from what I can remember other than make me feel like a robot at times. I remember just staring at the wall for an hour or so one time so zoned out, not really able to feel anything and although I felt like I wanted to cry, I wasn’t able to it seemed. They tried three different prescriptions until I just stopped taking them all together after about three years. I wanted to try to fight it on my own because I kept convincing myself it was all in my mind and I could stop it.
Now I know, there is nothing wrong with accepting help through medication. Sometimes it’s as simple as having an imbalance in the chemicals in our brain which creates lower dopamine levels than the average person and all the pill does is help balance it out.
As I got a bit older, at 17 I sort of forced myself out of my comfort zone. I knew how hard it was going to be to start my first job, make connections with people, talk to customers possibly and so on. I applied everywhere near my house, from restaurants to clothing stores, grocery stores, super stores. I got a job at Canadian Tire as a shelf stocker. It didn’t take long for me to break out of my shell, a little bit at least. I was still very reserved.
After a year and a bit I decided to push myself even further out of my comfort zone by applying for a kitchen job knowing I had no experience and would be starting at the bottom with a lot of strict chefs/cooks who were set in their ways and had no time for bullshit or mistakes. I had a love for cooking and wanted to learn so I tried anyway. I got a job at a bar and grill near my house and within three months I got the key to start opening the restaurant and being the sole lunch cook. I knew nothing about the industry back then but now I know the restaurant wasn’t doing very well and head office were in the works of taking it from the owner.
Either way it was a cool opportunity and it definitely helped me break out of that shell a little bit more. I was responsible for feeding a whole restaurant at lunch rush and somebody had trust in me to do so. I worked there for eleven months before head office took over. Then I applied to the same bar and grill on the other side of town with different owners and a lot more business.
There was a kitchen manager there and the owners son who worked there so I was bottom of the totem pole and was starting all over. I started on prep, eventually gained trust and showed my work ethic. I eventually got full time hours on line and I stayed there for just under five years.
The kitchen manager quit after two years of me working there, the owners son wanted to get out the industry shortly afterwards and I became the kitchen manager. I was in charge of all the food orders, writing the schedule, inventory, staying on top of food costs, labor costs, and just making sure service ran smoothly for the most part.
I gained so much more confidence when I realized I was capable of so much more than I thought. I look back at the days I started there and how some people had no patience at all to teach me anything, seemed annoyed by me, didn’t think I would ever be capable of working line on a busy Friday night, and all the times I cried when I left and swore I wouldn’t go back in the next day. Or the days one of my parents were driving me to work and I broke down and said I just couldn’t do it today, the anxiety is too bad. I worked myself up into panic mode. But when my parents calmed me back down and I sat there and gave myself a second, although my heart was still beating a mile a minute and I felt like I was going to yack, I dragged myself out of the car and just went in.
It was some of the most nerve racking times of my life to be honest, as little as it may seem. I am glad I forced myself to do it though because once you actually go out there and do that thing you really didn’t want to do, you realize it really isn’t all that bad, you just talked yourself into it being so. Plus, if I decided to not show up one day and look for a job elsewhere due to nerves, who knows where I would be right now.
I wouldn’t be engaged to the love of my life or have a beautiful, intelligent, amazing step daughter. I wouldn’t have become kitchen manager there and gain a huge sense of pride. Who knows, maybe I would work my way up to kitchen manager somewhere else, but I am glad I stayed where I was. I became a part of the family. I can still call up my old boss and ask for a favor if needed. As well as some of the other workers there who have been there for years.
Most people are kind, try to do good, are patient, accepting. We have heard the saying are whole lives to “just be yourself” and it really is something we should all live by. Bring what you as an individual has to the table, don’t pretend to know something you don’t or be someone you’re not. People like genuine and most of us can see through the act.
Although some days I do still have trouble with opening up and some days are harder than others when it comes to shaking the nerves, I have come a long way.
Even in my last post a week or so ago I mentioned how nervous I was to start a new job at a fancy golf course as a cook. I have worked at the same franchise for 5 years in one location, eleven months in another location, moving on was hard to say the very least. Especially to a place with four or more red-seal chefs who have stories of cooking in different countries around the world and me being just a line-cook who has worked in no other city other than the one I am living in.
I was sick to my stomach the first day I went in on April 3rd. Me and two other new people started the same day to be trained on how service works when we do a wedding tasting.
The chefs had already prepared the menu ahead of time so it was just a matter of cooking it to order, assembling it and getting it out to tables while it was hot. Everyone got a soup, a salad, an entrée and a dessert. They had three options for soup: potato onion, pumpkin soup, or roasted red pepper and tomato.
For the salads the options were between a pickled beet salad with mixed greens tossed in citrusy type of vinegarette, with candied, spiced walnuts on top or an arugula salad tossed in a type of creamier vinegarette, with simple syrup soaked watermelon and goat cheese and walnuts on top as well I think. I am going to get better with learning what everything is exactly, I am writing this based off of just looking and tasting the salads, I wasn’t even told what was going in them because I was on pastries that day. I will learn as I go.
For the entrée’s you could get either a prime rib dinner: slices of prime rib on top of mashed potatoes, with seasoned vegetables and a beef sauce. Or you could get a salmon with rice or mashed, with seasoned vegetables with a pesto cream sauce and a vinegarette arugula salad on top it looked like? (not too sure) Or you could get stuffed chicken (not sure what it was stuffed with) with mashed, seasoned veg and a cream sauce. They all looked so good.
For pastries you could choose between a chocolate mousse with an expresso whip cream on top, berries and a biscotti, or a white chocolate cheese cake with strawberry compote, berries and hardened milk chocolate, or a triple scoop sorbet of different flavors, with berries, mint, sugar, or an apple tart with a hot caramel, berries and a scoop of vanilla ice-cream.
So, how the service works is everyone gets their menu and they have the hall for as long as they need really so they could order at whatever time they please. Service went on for about three hours but when the orders came in it was hectic. The appetizers all came in at once almost and everyone worked in overdrive to get everything out. Then the entrees were the same thing. The Executive Chef would read off the orders “I need 6 salmon, 7 prime rib, 4 chicken all day.” Then another 2 minutes pass and it’s “another 2 salmon, 6 prime, 4 chickens.” “six more beet salads so that makes it 9 all day.” “I need soup for 9.” “I need you to start on another 4 veg.”
The Executive Chef puts the mashed or rice on the plate, the veg guy passes him the vegetables, Chef also places those on the plate, each one the exact same with a small tweezer. Then the protein guy comes and puts the proteins on the plates, Chef pours the acquired sauces for the plates and somebody else garnishes with micro greens or for the salmon, the arugula looking salad thing on top.
From certain people not wanting specific things, or this sauce instead of this one, to allergies, to just plain picky people, the Chef was on top of it all and as quick as the food was called, it was going out to the people. It was all so smooth and so amazing to watch.
Then when everyone was finally done with all their food, the desserts slowly started rolling in. Whenever the Chef was done with a ticket, (soup, salad, entrée was out) he would pass the ticket to the pastry chef who I was working under that day. She showed me how to assemble each pastry before-hand so when the tables were called one by one “I need dessert for table 10” the wait staff would come back and tell us, I was already prepared to help her assemble the desserts. There was about 4-6 people a table so it only took us about a minute and a half to assemble the desserts for each table.
Everything went great, it was such a cool thing to experience.
Honestly, I have never done pastries in my life and was sort of upset that that was where I was put because I want to learn to cook good food, desserts are not my thing. I understand I don’t have much experience and I am lucky to even have this job I was just kind of annoyed that the two guys that got hired the same time as me were put on side veg and salads and I was put on pastries.
It is a male dominated industry and a lot of the time people are still quick to assume that a girl cannot keep up with the guys when it comes to a hot kitchen. I may not have cooked any gourmet food but I have cooked in one of, if not the busiest restaurant in town for years to the point where I have learnt how to deal with heat even when the hood vents go off and you can hardly breath but you still have to bang out the service. I have scrubbed fryers once a week for years, discarding of the hot or cool oil without asking for help. I put away 80-100 piece orders as well as keeping up with the line at the same time. Then the 15-35 piece butcher shop order comes in and then the veg order. I’m not scared of a knife, I can handle one just as well as any dude I’ve worked with, I have cut myself and got some burns just as any other cook has but it hasn’t changed the fact that I love what I do and want to prove that I am capable of getting dirty just as everyone else is. I have worked 10-12 hours with no breaks, no food more times than I should have. I may look small and weak on the outside and this is why some people are blown away when I actually prove myself and show that I can handle a lot more than they think.
I wanted to make this post about the 3 days I worked at the new job so far but I sort of got carried away with writing about myself. I will make another post in the next few days about the other 2 days. The second day was way less people for a wedding tasting and the Chef made us newbies do the sections we learnt, all on our own. The next day was even cooler, it was the first day the members were back and it was a huge night, exciting evening with a bunch of rich people. Stay tuned for the rest!
If you are interested in reading about a variety of different subjects such as mental health, inside the minds of disturbed artists, the importance of being an introvert, importance of body language and non-verbal communication, the importance of mental rehearsal and imagery, the power of our minds, mindfulness, metaphysics and the cosmic world and how all the great genius’ of the past have tapped into this power to achieve seeming miracles, addiction, abuse, the effects loneliness and so much more, please check out some of my other posts:
