Why we’re we all in such a hurry to grow up? The grass is always greener I guess… we all wanted to eat ice-cream for breakfast and eat dinner at 11 o’clock at night if we felt like it, staying up all night doing whatever we wanted. We all wanted to be the one’s to make the rules, be in charge, be taken seriously for once. I am sure as we get older a lot of us will take being a kid most days over being an adult. We didn’t realize how good we had it until we no longer had it.
Here is a reflection of when I was 18, a little lost in life, reflecting on being 12. My 18 year old self was already sad about being older, haha. Now that I am 28, I’d take being 18 any day. But I do know age is a privilege denied to many and I am blessed and grateful for each new year that passes. It is sort of cool to see so many different versions of yourself as time moves on. Journals are good for that because I know there are certain feelings and thoughts I had back then that I would probably never remember if it wasn’t for all my journals.
Let’s look back:
September 13, 2014
I remember when I was about twelve, my sisters thirteen and eight, we were all up north at the trailer park. The whole family sat around the campfire, and my dad told us all to just be quiet and listen. We heard the crackling of the fire, the distinct sound of burning wood, the old wood peeling, and fresh wood popping and cackling. The whirring of the warm summer night air and the leaves off the high spruces, oaks, and birch trees gently blowing in it. The chirping of the crickets, nearby bugs, and toads filled the air.
We smelled the strong burning of wood, marshmallows, hotdogs, and burgers from nearby trailers, mixed with the earthy scent of fresh summer soil and that unmistakable pine aroma. The sky was full of stars, magnifying to me as a little girl. The world seemed so big, so full of endless opportunities.
We watched the fire and absorbed all the happiness that surrounded us. Our dad stopped us all from chattering, laughing, making noise for a moment and told us to take in the moment, really embrace it, and realize how good life is, how lucky we are. “This right here, this peace, being here with the people I love most, in the place I love most, this is what it all about.” My sisters and I looked at each other and I can tell they felt a sliver of that peace too, although we didn’t see it the same way our Dad did at the time.
“Life goes by quick, if you don’t look around every once in a while, you’ll miss it,” he said. I remember not thinking much of it then. I was a happy kid, and nothing could change that. It was just another happy moment in my journey.
Now, looking back, that memory stands out, making me realize how special those moments really are.
Words can’t describe how much I miss those days. I understand that time passes, we age, and things change. Life has many stages, and we can’t slow time to linger in the good stages or speed it up to get through the bad ones. I get that I need to toughen up and move forward. Sometimes it just hits hard when I reminisce the old times knowing I can never go back to simpler times like that. I wish I realise how good I had it then instead of wanting to grow up so bad.
When I think about how I’ve hurt people in the past, through heart break or dissing an old friend it kills me. All I want to do is run away from myself, but I can’t. You can’t run away from yourself, which is terrifying. I couldn’t even imagine how the people who have done way worse things feel living in their own skin every day. I honestly believe I know how people go mad. I understand how a mind can unravel. I also understand why people resort to hard drugs—anything to escape this world, to escape themselves.
But I could never do that to my parents. My goal is to make them happy. I hate myself for what I’ve already put them through.
I’ve been going through some heavy stuff lately, enough for my mom to notice. She came up to my room, and we talked for a bit. She was gentle and kind, as always, and told me she knows me better than anyone. She believes I can get back to how I was; I just need to take the first step and try.
A little while later, my dad came up. My parents share everything, and although it’s rare for my dad to have a one-on-one with me, I expected it this time. I had told my mom part of my sadness was because he seemed so sad all the time. Knowing my dad, I knew that would make him feel horrible, so he had to come up to try to make me feel better.
It wasn’t right for me to tell my mom that. All it did was make him more sad, most likely.
My dad explained that he understands what it feels like to be misunderstood. He got that his whole life because nobody understood his dry sense of humor. But now that he has us, he’s happy, and we’re all he needs. “You know me, I don’t need people. I have you guys, and that’s all I’ll ever need. So don’t be sad, okay? We love you so much.” He said it’s okay that I’m going through something, that he would always love and accept me, and that I had a safe place as long as I needed.
My parents are so understanding. I love them so much. My heart hurts. I seriously don’t know what I would do without them, despite all the times we drive each other up the walls and back down again.
I’m not going to use their generosity as an excuse to be lazy and not do anything with my life simply because I don’t have to. Mommy and daddy won’t be paying my way for much longer. I think once I’m out there making money, making a name for myself, working hard, and just having a purpose in the world, no matter how small, I’ll find some positivity. I’ll bring it home with me. I won’t let my family dwell on the negatives. I’ll help them see that there’s a whole world out there too, that happiness isn’t confined to the walls we feel trapped in. We can explore, try new things, and really know what it’s like to live.
Once I find some joy on my own, I won’t let my family members laze around either while the world moves around them. They are all such great people who deserve to see everything this life has to offer. We’ll get up and live. Period. Positive thinking, they say. Manifest what you want, they say. So, positive thinking it is.
