There is so much unnecessary confusion intertwined in every single layer of every part of life and my inability to express this confusion makes everything more confusing. I feel like things could be so simple but people make it so hard.
Makes my head feel like there are thousands of ideas and thoughts bouncing around at warp speed never staying still long enough for me to be able to grasp even one of them fully and coherently. Half thoughts, trapped thoughts. Words are cool but so damn pointless, language is a curse to the spiritual soul.
Something as simple as me hating myself for wasting my time away but using the excuse of depression from wasting my time away so that I could waste my time away..
Something as simple as a kid saying something with a stutter once, but then hearing an adult say “Oh he’s going to be a stutterer” which then gets across to the child as seeing himself as a stutterer.
With his child brain still developing, he is still attaining new information with a fixated learning. The stutter then becomes permanent. If only the parent was less anxious and instead used the words “he stuttered” the child may then wouldn’t have made the stuttering a learnt habit.
Children are open vessels, they are constantly absorbing and attaining all of the information around them. It is the adults in their lives who hold the responsibility of making sure that information is useful information. A child only knows what they are told. Tell them that they are going to be a stutterer, and they most likely will be.
Such little things that make all the difference if only people knew the effect we had on each other.
Such little things I shouldn’t even think about but constantly nag on my brain.
There is more than one way
The power that we have as humans to control, to manipulate, to destroy a sense of self is remarkable, but terrifying. The power we have to construct our own walking, talking robot if we program their mind the right way is eerie. A child’s mind is being programmed from the minute he was born, everything he sees, or hears or experiences is being stored into his subconscious mind. That is why I believe the system tries to get you while your young. Do this or that, and you’ll be “successful.” It’s why the education system has stayed the same forever. No individualized learning for specific kids, only one fixated way which has been determining our status as humans in this life ever since the education system came into play.
Taught things, told to attain them, then tested on them. Then according to those scores it determines how far we will go. If our scores stay at a low average, chances are we won’t end up with the highest paying job, but if our scores remain at a high average chances are we will go far places.
Do we subconsciously tell ourselves we will never be good enough simply because our scores are never as high as want them to be, therefore slowly accepting that we have to settle for worse jobs, lower incomes? Sort of creating a limitation in our mind, a blockage, allowing our genius to be hindered?
The fact that we can’t learn the way everyone else is learning makes us think there must be something different about us, we must not be as smart as the other kids. Although our brains have the ability to learn in so many varied ways, but because these ways are not accepted as the right way, we may consider ourselves “less than” the majority of ones who do learn the “right” way.
Does the discouragement we get from our low marks the thing that causes us to keep testing poorly? Isn’t there other ways? Couldn’t there be a way to make all kids feel like they belong in way?
Exclude a kid while he is young, quiet his true self, trying to make him think the way everyone else thinks: he will probably feel excluded or out of place his whole life. Listen to what he has to say, acknowledge him, praise him for his good ideas and he will probably become a better problem-solver and a more rounded individual altogether.
The power we have over each other
You know what you are told. That’s why the influences in the life of child are crucial. Good ones or bad ones, they really could make or break you.
If a child gets kidnapped at the age of three lets day and gets locked up in a basement and told that the world ended and they were the only two people left on earth that we’re good but everyone else was out to get them, the child does not know anything else and will learn to believe this reality.
Just like the foster children who go from home to home as adults come in and pick their choice of the litter, using the trial and error process until they find what they are looking for. It is inevitable that the children who get sent back to the foster home or the adoption centre are going to feel a sense of inadequacy, a sense of guilt for never being good enough.
After trying time and time again to try to be good enough to get accepted into a forever home but never measuring up they may start to build a resentment towards other people and the world. They lash out or put up a tough front as if they can’t get hurt. After being hurt so many times they build a shell around their emotional being so that no one could be let in. They push people away before people could push them away, do the hurting before people could hurt them. Which could lead to many problems in the future with relationships and communication in general. They may remain on the defence or unable to take criticism. They may never be able to fully open up to someone in a romantic or even friendly way because they are afraid of being hurt or not being good enough.
Some of them probably can’t imagine someone wanting to be with them forever and meaning everything that they say. Its so sad.
The potential we could have as humans but how so many of us are held back because of the experiences and mental warfare we endure is heartbreaking to me. It’s something that boils my blood, makes me question everything. Like, what’s the point and why does it feel like we are constantly being tested? There are a million things in this world capable of breaking us but its our job to try so hard to not fall to pieces? Only the mentally strong can survive in this world. Survival of the fittest mind. All the rest go mad. I swear to god.
How toxic relationships effect us
Then there’s the confusion when it comes to toxic, abusive relationships and how they can affect our brains. When we are told something for so long by our significant other it becomes embedded into our subconscious and it takes a lot to even know its there let alone get rid of it. Because someone has showed us for so long in so many varied ways that we are not good enough, and we we’re punished for speaking up or expressing ourselves: our conscience then continues to tell us that self expression becomes morally wrong.
When we spend so much time in a toxic relationship, it is all we know. We have been wrongly misguided for so long that it becomes normal to you to think it is wrong to be ourselves, to be a person with any worthwhile ideas, to be of any value to anyone.
While in the relationship if every time we came up with an idea or opinion or said something from our soul but you we’re made to be quiet or put down for our expression, we learn that is “right” to be a nobody, and wrong to want to be somebody. We “learn” that our opinions are invalid and that is better if we just stay quiet.
Even if we decide to leave the toxic relationship; this unrealistic, distorted conscience stays with us and makes a coward of us. It’s then so easy for us to want to stay quiet, scared to express our ideas or thoughts in fear of it being wrong or being looked at as inadequate, or its hard to even believe we have a right to speak up in the first place.
With this misguided conscience it also becomes hard for us to believe we deserve anything worthwhile therefore we take a back seat in all the things we so badly want to do but don’t in fear of not being deserving enough. It’s not fair and in all reality just messed up how we’re all just fucking each other up.
Creating a fucked up conscious bubble of negative, toxic energy.
Confusion in depression, anxiety, and fear
The confusion that comes with depression. People want so badly to do more with their lives but use the emptiness they feel inside to avoid effort, work, long worth-while goals or responsibilities. Which ultimately only causes more depression. Which makes it harder to break out or want to or see a reason to. Or because of past experiences we do not think we are deserving of something good, and it is psychologically impossible to accept something that we feel does not belong to us. So, we don’t allow ourselves good things or even when we keep your negative tendencies in check long enough to succeed in completing a worthwhile goal, it is still difficult if not impossible to accept it psychologically or enjoy the success.
Then there is the confusion that comes with fear and anxiety. Why must some of our brains work against us but some of us for us? Why is it that some people get the privilege of thinking of the best in every endeavor instead of the worst case scenario and why is it some people can brush off past hurts or not allow their nerves to get the best of them?
Why do some people get the advantage of storing all the successes and using them to their advantage instead of storing the failures and dwelling on those? Is it their upbringing? Is it hereditary? Does our family lines determine our level of timidity or will to stand tall? Is it a learnt thing? Or is it in us fully? Do we have the choice?
I feel like we do have the choice but use emptiness or loneliness as an excuse for not putting in conscious effort. We are too tired, too exhausted, everything is meaningless, there is no point. Those are things we believe because we allowed ourselves to, we fixated our thinking on those negative thoughts and it became a learned way of thinking.
Then we allow other people’s perceptions or what we think their perceptions may be to dictate how we should act, what we should say or shouldn’t say. We become too consciously concerned with what others are thinking and too sensitive to the real or made-up disapproval of other people.
We are scared of getting negative feed back or criticism so instead we take a back seat, stay quiet, which ends up leading to poor performance and inhibition. Things we could have easily performed with ease are done with anxiety and a fear of not doing it right therefore the task couldn’t possible be done to our best ability because we are literally creating a blockage in your mind preventing us from doing so. We are not allowing ourselves to fully express ourselves in fear of what others may think. There is no “you” when you are out in the world, you are merely a sheep, a robot, a shell. Our personalities become inhibited by our fears.
When we start to become a nervous wreck where we can’t stop consciously monitoring every move we make, analyzing every sentence in our heads before we say it, calculating the effect every move or every word will have, when we are aware of every muscle movement, every mannerism: we become too self-conscious and our real selves are inhibited. When we are consciously aware of trying so hard to make a good impression on other people, we more often than not fail; our creative self, our personality and the thing that makes us, us is restrained.
I wish we would all allow our genius’ out
The way that we have the power in our own minds to break out of this feeling of self conscious entrapment but don’t fully know how, messes with me so much.
We all have so much creative genius hidden inside and more often then not we die with it still inside of us. No one ever gets to see our full potential, not even ourselves. Conscious effort is too hard so instead we allow our subconscious to guide us, we allow our internal thoughts that have been embedded in us through experience to lead us through life. When we really should make an effort to change these thoughts stuck in our heads and replace them with nothing but thoughts that could help exhibit our inner selves and reach the fullest potential we have as humans.
I wish I had the power to help break everyone out of these restraints. I guess first I need to figure out how to break out of my own and maybe then I can be a stepping stone in other peoples creative journeys.
I just feel like there is so much more inside of us, and I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to die until I do know the extent of what I am capable of as a human. I want to get to the next level. Heighten my consciousness, use it to my advantage, learn everything I need to know about how the mind works so I could be the master of my own mind which means being the master of my own life. Being at a point of peace and clarity with the universe. I want to get to that next step.
I just wish so badly that everyone else wanted the same, because life becomes so difficult when it seems like everybody is so indifferent to how you think, to how you know that things could be simple if only we tried harder. If only people understood the capabilities we have to affect each other, positively or negatively.
How we have the power for so much if only we understood that power, if only we tried to get rid of the blockage that seems so deep within all of us and really accept the fact that we know nothing at all and could benefit from learning some things.
Even if I learn everything I can and I use my knowledge while out in the world, it is only going to eventually drive me mad trying to adhere to everyone else’s needs, saying what needs to be said for their ego’s or joy, hiding my true thoughts to benefit them. I can’t live like that my whole life, I need other people to understand too, how much easier things could be if only we knew how to see things from other people’s perspective’s more, to understand the power we have to affect people. And to never use that power in a manipulating, malicious way but instead only to positively impact the people around us.
“You were born a winner, a warrior, one who defied the odds by surviving the most gruesome battle of them all – the race to the egg. And now that you are a giant, why do you even doubt victory against smaller numbers and wider margins? The only walls that exist are those you have placed in your mind. And whatever obstacles you conceive, exist only because you have forgotten what you have already achieved.”
― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem
If you were interested in this article I am certain you will like some of my others:
