This is one of those dark journal entries: when sleep was the best escape for me. Drugs got me out of my mind for a bit but other times it brought me further into the corners of my mind and I wanted no where near those, so sleep was my best friend.
Man, is it crazy to reflect on the old days sometimes. The days where I believed everything was dull and my future of despair and hopelessness predetermined for me at a young age. I seen no other way but long dark hallways filled my worst fears around every corner. Really, all I had to do to see things in a different light eventually was, grow up and expand my thinking. I had to explore the idea that possibly the only way I felt the way I did was simply because I was allowing it. Everything was set in stone in my mind therefore no reason to try to change it. As I got older, I realized how stupid that was. It was up to me. the world was not going to eventually make things better for me, it owed me nothing. I still like to look back and reflect to see how far I have come:
January 4, 2014, 7:00am
Clearly I haven’t slept yet because I would never be up at 7am especially on a Saturday morning. But since I slept all day yesterday pretty much, I have decided to stay up all night tonight and throughout the day, so by night time I’ll be tired and ready to go to sleep at a decent hour. That way I can wake up at a decent hour tomorrow and I can break out of this stupid habit of sleeping all day, zoning all night.
The only way I have been able to last this long (without dying of boredom or insanity) is because I sleep most of the hours of every day away. I used to have more motivation to do things during the day like cook, clean, draw, write, plan goals, and just going out with the dogs but lately I feel some of my favourite things aren’t enough to comfort me.
Usually, because of the some-what productive, mind-strengthening tasks I did during the day, it gave me comfort in the notion that at least I was using my brain in more ways than just frying it and storing it up with useless information through violent tv programs, stupid cartoons or negative thoughts. At least I was doing something. Plus my mentality leans in the direction that nobody does anything productive at night anyway so what I was doing wasn’t so bad, just as long as I didn’t waste the moments during the day.
But I came around to realizing that each and everyday is just a countdown until night time. To my solidarity, my darkness.
I also realized that these “productive tasks” we’re merely a distraction from reality. These activities I consume my time with are merely temporary fillings to holes that hold a way greater, darker emptiness.
Instead of searching for a more truer, grander source of happiness that will permanently fill the hollowness inside of me, I want the holes to be filled quickly and with no real effort or patience. So, I go about doing one thing or another, things that seem to give meaning to my days. But that entails only fictionally filling the holes; these activities are of no real substance, nothing that is required on my journey to the future, nothing to benefit my soul searching or self discovery. Things that simply allow me to feel for a while. But soon when the night comes and the temporariness that was holding these holes shut, begins to evaporate, I am empty again.
I no longer can feel joy in doing the things I once loved. Anything that doesn’t benefit my future I will punish myself, even subconsciously for doing.
So I sleep now. Most of the hours of the day away, all of the hours of daylight. I feel like I have kind of given up all together. I haven’t done laundry since, maybe Christmas? The same pair of socks could last a while since I only wear them to get out of bed, go downstairs and do what I need to do quick. I sometimes go like three days without showering. My hair gets brushed maybe once a month.
Whatever.. I know my life will be great one day.
There’s that “one day” again. Before I know it that one day will be here and I will be in the same predicament because I thought things were going to fall into place instead of making them do so.
But, no really.. I know the insanity will take over if I don’t do what I know I have the potential to do.
Such a simple quote by Bob Marley that I really like: “Some people are so poor, they only have money.” There are far too many people who have more than enough money, wisdom, lack decency, experience, loving relationships, ideas, insights, kindness. All the money in the world doesn’t buy happiness. Not particularly but we all do know money would allow us to live a lot more comfortably and could eventually bring us full contentness if we learn how to use the money in a way that would benefit us.
Robin Williams, one of my favorite comedians, he seemed like the happiest guy in the world, lived to make other people happy, but couldn’t make himself happy I guess because he ended up killing himself a few years ago. Clearly money doesn’t always buy happiness even if you do know what to do with it..life will always be too much for some people and I really do understand that sometimes.
So, yeah tonight I am going to attempt to go to bed at a decent hour so I could stop this bad sleep cycle. Today I will distract myself in something that seems to make the hours slip by.
I started a book last night, well about four hours ago, a memoir called Girl In The Woods by Aspen Matis, new writer. My age. She has been through a lot and wants to escape her past, and the negativity that seemed to be taking over her life in the present so, at 19 she decides to leave school and proceed to hike the Pacific Crest Trail, alone. The 2,350 mile long trail from the Mexican border to Canada. I just started the book so I’ve only read the beginnings of her travels so far and skipped some pages ahead to sneak some pictures of the scenery and beauty of it all. But I already want to be as brave as her and just drop everything (as if I have anything) and go do it.
Although I have never done anything like it in my life, I believe it would be the ultimate path to self discovery and realization. Spending all of those hours alone with no company but your own mind, you have to learn a thing or two about what makes you, you. And I need that. Plus I lack experience of any sort and I so badly want to be out there in the mist of all natures beauty, and be tough enough to see what the world has to throw at me, or possibly offer me.
I am so used to my parents babying me and I rely on other people for my sense of comfort, even through online messages, I feel like I never want to feel fully alone or I’d be terrified. Even something as simple as going to the bank, I ask my mom to come in with my because I’m too nervous to go to alone.
I need to be more reliant, more structured on my own.
I want to be out there experiencing the world, taking advantage of all the opportunities we have, as a human should. I want to create a life outside of my mind so badly.
Why do I feel like the barrier that stops me from doing that is made of the heaviest stones, ones I feel are incapable of moving or forming any other kind of opening?
My hand is moving so fast my writing is going to be indecipherable soon so, I’m going to stop. I really only intended to write one page after a toke and then I was gonna watch greys until I felt like getting up, but I got carried away. Now it’s already 8:31am so I’m going to go have waffles with PB, and some coffee.
Our Greatest Fear- Mariame Williamson
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. Our deepest fear is not that are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We we’re born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Positive Affirmations
All the things I said I wanted to do: become more independent, more structured and reliant, and so much more, I did because I started to know that I have the power to change the course of my life depending on the decisions I make. With the help from a few books and good people I have learnt a few things.
Working in silence is not always the best bet. Ideas shared, helps new ideas emerge. If you have a ephinay, opinion, idea: share it. An insight, shout it. Don’t be afraid to be different, to be outspoken, to be “un-normal” there is no normal. Nothing is constant, nothing is set in stone. When expecting the best, prepare for the worst. Care, love, have empathy but have a backbone. Take chances, mess up, laugh at yourself. The happiness you are able to feel of the result of someone else, means something, human interaction is enlightening, liberating. If you can feel joy from another, it’s obvious you can do the same for another, use that. Choose your words carefully, depending on what you say can be the difference between someone’s good or bad day. Listening makes all the difference. Stick up for the underdog. Make money, stay grounded. Stay humble and fair. Care, it’s cool to care. Love people. Unbiased, pure, untainted love. Open your mind, expand your horizons, never stop learning. Navigate through life’s twist and turns by education yourself on a wide variety of things. Be your own worst critic but give yourself a break once in awhile, celebrate small successes. Always will be someone bigger, badder, prettier, or smarter, keep moving forward. You can’t be everything. You can’t be in more than one spot at once, let it go. Forgive, let go, live. Don’t allow the worst demon of all to take hold: fear. It comes when you least expect it and takes away your best qualities, don’t let it. Don’t lose your sense of self. Be unique, be the Sheppard not the sheep. Dare to stand out in a world of people who are afraid to do just that.
If you are interested in reading about a variety of different subjects such as mental health, inside the minds of disturbed artists, the importance of being an introvert, importance of body language and non-verbal communication, the importance of mental rehearsal and imagery, the power of our minds, mindfulness, metaphysics and the cosmic world and how all the great genius’ of the past have tapped into this power to achieve seeming miracles, addiction, abuse, the effects loneliness and so much more, please check out some of my other posts:
