As my 28th birthday approaches, I find myself in a reflective state, a stark contrast to the excitement I felt as a young girl. Aging is a privilege denied to many, and I recognize the importance of gratitude for each passing year. Yet, I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy towards the younger generation, who seemingly have the world at their feet and not a care in the world.
I am deeply grateful for the years I’ve endured, not entirely unscathed by life’s chaos, but overall, grounded and resilient. However, as each new year rolls around, I can’t shake the feeling that I should have accomplished more by 27.
In two days, I’ll turn 28, inching closer to my thirties. My body, mind, and spirit don’t align with the typical notion of being in my thirties. Wasn’t I just lamenting the endlessness of high school? Those days, which felt interminable, now seem just out of reach yet paradoxically right around the corner. It certainly doesn’t feel like a decade has passed.
I spent much of my twenties drowning my thoughts in alcohol, consumed by a relentless cycle of comparing myself to others and incessantly belittling myself. Alcohol became my escape, a way to feel “normal” and silence the tormenting thoughts in my mind.
With alcohol as my lens, days blurred into hours, slipping through my fingers as I crafted excuses in my fantasy world. Tomorrow, I promised myself, would be better. Tomorrow, I would try harder. Tomorrow, I would accomplish something worthwhile. Yet, tomorrow always arrived as a stark reminder of my perceived failures, making escape seem like the simpler option.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, as I convinced myself I had ample time to plan for the future. But each passing moment was the future I was creating, the very one I now live in.
While I love to cook, I don’t want to spend my days in a hot kitchen, catering to others with little recognition for the effort. I also don’t want to wish away my days until the next day off. I would gladly work seven days a week if it meant following my passion and creating something for myself.
Over the years, I’ve made small steps towards escaping the rat race, but the main reason I drink is to distract myself from the reality that if I tried harder, I could create my own source of income. I don’t have to be part of the race. With creativity and skill, coupled with dedication, hard work, and consistency, it is possible to achieve this.
I created a website to share my experiences with mental health, abuse, addiction, the power of the mind, and the struggles we all face. My goal was to show others that life can be full of hope and wonder again, like it was when we were kids. By embracing optimism and training our brains to think positively, we can change our perspectives and achieve what we desire.
However, changing perspective requires letting go of our demons and committing to hard work, dedication, and consistency. After gaining some traction on my site, I envisioned creating an income by selling PDFs, merchandise, or online courses. My main goal was to build an audience to support my book sales. Initially, the site thrived, but as my efforts waned, so did the visitors.
I made excuses, telling myself there were countless people smarter than me doing the same thing. This is why, at almost 28, I haven’t yet achieved the life I desire. I haven’t fought hard enough to break free from the darkness. Drinking and smoking remain my escapes, convincing me I’m not awkward or anti-social in public, but these are short-lived remedies.
Yet, none of that matters anymore because 28 is my year. I feel it deeply. This will be the year I break the cycle and find purpose, joy, and fulfillment.
This year, I will see my name—Kayley Shaver—on the spine of a book. Whether self-published or not, it will be my name, and people will read my thoughts that I’ve poured onto these pages for years.
I will also find a true niche for my website, leading to a surge in visitors. By helping others, I will find purpose and fulfillment. I will learn to market effectively and take advantage of social media, making my own money through various offerings.
It won’t start as a full income, but over time, as my creativity soars, I will learn to make it a sustainable livelihood. I look forward to looking back at this moment with a smile, saying, “I told you so! 28 was the year!” And I will grin from ear to ear, satisfied that my heart and soul were right: 28 is the year of significant change.
