You know body language says more about what we are trying to say than our actual words do? 93% of communication is non-verbal. Forty three finely tuned muscles in the human face can be reorganized and combined into ten thousand possible combinations of expressions. In just one interaction there are approximately a thousand non-verbal factors helping convey your message.
Body language is the core of who we demonstrate ourselves to be. Everyday we are selling ourselves, our ideas, desires and beliefs. Gestures and words we say or dont say impact how those around percieve us. Princeton University studies show that our initial judgements are formed within one tenth of one second. That’s it! We determine how competent or likeable someone is to us before they even spoke one word.
In knowing that body language is the core of who we present ourselves to be, we can take advantage of this. We can use to it to our advantage of presenting ourself as the confident, poised person we want to be.
We are more transparent than we think though and it’s not just about faking confidence because people will see through. Us humans were born with the ability to naturally read nuances. Our primal communication was through grunts, tones, and movements. Numerous emotions we experience are reflected truthfully in expressions and gestures. Therefore faking confidence may not work. Intimidation is usually based on the perception of who we are in the situation. For example if we feel ourselves incompetent compared to a colleague we may give off signs of insecurity. But compared to another colleague that we feel superior to, we will give off signs of confidence.
When we walk into a room our posture, walk, and poise says “this is who I am.” If we have a lack of confidence we may send out a negative aura which pushes people and opportunities away. Our best bet is to prep ourselves before we go, give ourselves that confidence speech, tell ourselves we are all human and all have equally as important things to bring to the table.
Closed off body language closes us off. Having a bad day or feeling a lack of confidence? We must change our position, it will change our outlook. Instead of slumping we should put our shoulders back, head up, smile, arms out and stretch. Our emotional state can be reflected in our position. Allow our states to be transformed as we stretch and change our physical self. We can usually tell the CEO from the secretary even if they are wearing the same attire right? They present differently. Watch the CEO, imitate their posture, walk and body language.
Others are reading us when we walk in the room and we are reading them as well. From the initial handshake we start judging. Are they dominant or submissive? An introvert or extrovert? Learning to read others can help improve any situation. Gestures, tones, expressions and words can be analyzed to reveal not only what a person is trying to say, but what they may actually be feeling. Knowing the body language of others can help open more doors and opportunities for us.
After an initial greet with anyone we should gauge what that person wants. How is their breathing? Anxiety can be shown through the breathing. Are they taking shallow breaths and letting a big one every once in a while to calm themselves down, give themselves a bit of release? If someone has Anxiety they probably dont want a bunch of questions or to even talk at all for that matter. We can help their situation by being the talker. Talk about ourselves.
Struggling with anxiety myself at a point in my life, I know I hated being put on the spot and expected to be this charming, entertaining person. When someone else took over the conversation and all I had to do was nod, agree and give small opinions on what they were discussing; I felt so much more at ease. The pressure went away and it became easier to speak up.
We should always, always gauge what the person we are talking to needs or wants. Do they need more space? Back up. Are they coming closer to us because they are a touch your arm when they speak kind of person? Let them. Keep our hand at our sides not across our chest like a barrier. Be open and welcome. Move closer if they allow it, give subtle contact , smile and nod at key moments. Make them feel important.
Someone wants to talk about themselves? Listen, act interested. A display of boredom, hostility, contempt is dangerous to social dynamics and business. And we should always keep our feet towards the person we are talking to, it shows we are interested in the conversation opposed to if they were facing the door, it means we are disinterested and ready to go.
We can easily determine what a person is feeling through their body language, we should never ignore that. People believe body language over oral communication. How many times have we heard someone say “I’m not sad” through a frown and slumped shoulders or “I’m not angry” through furrowed, lowered brows and gritted teeth?
Be a good judge of someones emotions and thought process and life becomes a little easier. We can influence people or situations, win over the crowd, close the deal just by knowing how to properly gauge a situation.
Learn to read people
Here is a way to learn how to read someone a little better.
When having a normal conversation with someone, note the persons eyes when they are speaking, recalling/remembering. Casually ask a question that will make the person remember something factual. “Do you remember when the boss seemed to be going through something and he brought in that sleazy looking woman? Girl, should I say, she looked 17.” Watch their face: do they look up, left or right, down left or right, or side left or right?
Ask similar questions, notice the pattern of eye movements. “How long ago was that now? It feels like forever ago.” This incorporates a timeline they have to think of a for a second. Where is this person looking to retrieve this info? “Wasn’t boss still married at that time?”
Eventually you will be aware of how this person recalls facts. Then when you want to know the truth about something it seems a lot easier to read them. “Did you tell Travis we couldn’t make it to his party?” If they frequently looked left when recalling the truth they will probably look right when fabricating a lie. A different part of the brain is used when recalling actual details or when constructing a lie.
Emotions
“Sadness, surprise, fear, anger, disgust, happiness, contempt. The numerous emotions you experience every day are reflected truthfully in your gestures and expressions, and they originate in the brain.” Tonya Reiman
Here are these emotions and their most distinctive characteristics:
Anger
A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
What it looks like: Brows are furrowed and lowered. Upper eyelids lower. Gaze becomes intense. Lower eyelids tense. Nostrils flare. Mouth is sometimes open and square, with lip tension and lower lip bulging.
Surprise
A feeling of mild astonishment or shock caused by something unexpected.
What it looks like: Eyebrows curve and rise up. Whites of the eyes can be seen above and sometimes below the iris. Upper eyelids go up. Lower eyelids stay round. Wrinkles appear across the forehead. Mouth opens-lips part.
Sadness
The condition or quality of being sad.
What it looks like: Raised inner eyelids in the form of an inverted V, accompanied by lifting of the lower eyelids. You might see lines across the forehead. The mouth is pulled downward, and the eyelids droop.
Fear
An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
What it looks like: Eyebrows are raised and drawn together. Upper eyelids rise up. The whites of the eyes can be seen above the iris. Lower eyelids are tensed. Lips are parted, pulled down and tensed.
Contempt
The feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.
What it looks like: Wrinkles appear on the nose. One lip is often raised in a sneer. Lips are sometimes pushed forward. Mouth is tight with slightly raised corners.
Happiness
The state of being happy.
What it looks like: Forehead is relaxed. Outer ends of eyebrows are slightly pulled down. Eyes are narrowed. Crow’s feet appear, with lines under the eyes. Cheeks are raised, and lines can be seen in nasolabial folds. Mouth corners are turned up. Lips are slightly parted, with top teeth showing.
Make life easier
Read the room, notice the gestures and body language that is saying more than the words spoken and use them to your advantage in life. Life is really all about connection and those doors we open for ourselves. It’s usually about who you know. Learning how to read people makes getting to know the right people a lot easier.
This is the book that inspired me to write this. I learnt it solely from Tonya: The Yes Factor: Get What You Want. Say What You Mean.
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