How To Master The Method Of Dealing With People

We have all heard the saying “You can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar” which entails that it a lot easier for us to get what we want if we are polite opposed to rude and insolent. The older I get and the more I experience I have when to comes to dealing with people, I realise how true this saying really is. We have been taught that constructive criticism should be helpful but in most situations, criticism only puts us on the defensive and makes us try to justify ourselves. It can sometimes be dangerous because it wounds a person’s pride and sense of importance. It also causes resentment.  

I know for me personally, when I am trying my best at something and think I did the task to the best of my ability and then someone criticises me in anyway, I hold a sort of resentment towards them which creates a negative mindset which doesn’t make it easier to complete the task in the manner that is needed. Instead I find ways to justify why I made a mistake and point fingers in everyone else’s direction.  

B.F Slainner, a world famous psychologist proved that animals that were rewarded for good behaviour will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns more effectively than an animal punished for bad behaviour. Studies show that the same applies for humans. Criticism doesn’t help a person make lasting changes. Hans Selye, a great psychologist said “As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation.” The resentment that criticism provokes can demoralise employees, family, members, friends and still not correct what was wrong in the first place. 

There are always other ways to go about things. For example, in Dale Carnegie’ book How to Win Friends and Influence people, he writes about a safety coordinator for an engineering company, George B. Johnston of Enid, Oklahoma and how he overcame a challenge with the employees he was in charge of. One of his responsibilities is to make sure that employees are wearing their hard hats, he started off by using a lot of authority of the regulation and that they must comply to the rules. He was stern and came off as aggressive. The employees would give him stubborn acceptance but often after he left would remove their hats again.  

After some time of the same thing occurring, he decided to try a different approach. When he found the workers not wearing their hard hats, he asked if maybe the hats were uncomfortable or did not fit properly. He engaged in polite conversation with them. Then he went on to explain to them in a calm and pleasant tone that the hats were designed to protect them from injury and suggested to them that it should always be worn when on the job. The result was increased compliance with no resentment or emotional upset.  

Dale Carnegie studied the life of Abraham Lincoln for 10 years. He made a special study on Lincoln’s method of dealing with people. He wasn’t always the best with dealing with people: when he was dismayed with somebodies actions, he didn’t hold back on letting them know exactly what they did wrong. He attacked his opponents openly in letters published in the newspapers. But he did learn his lesson when he decided to scorn the wrong man.  

In autumn of 1842 he disgraced a vain, aggressive politician named James Shields. Lincoln mocked him through an anonymous letter published in the Springfield Journal. Shields was the laughing stock of the town but he was too sensitive and proud to allow this mockery to continue. So, he found the writer of the letter, got on his horse and headed straight over to Lincoln and challenged him to fight a duel. Lincoln had no intentions of fighting, he was opposed to dueling as he has never done so in his life and wasn’t looking for violence. But he knew he couldn’t get out of it and save his honor. He chose the weapon of cavalry broadswords since he had fairly long arms, he also took lessons in sword fighting from a West Point graduate. On the day of the duel, the two of them met on a sandbar in the Mississippi River, prepared to fight to the death but last minute aggrieved parties stopped the duel. That was the most horrifying incident Lincoln has ever dealt with in his life. It taught him a lesson in the art of dealing with people. He never wrote an insulting letter to anyone from that day on and even went as far to never ridicule anyone again nor criticized anyone for anything. One of his favorite quotations was  “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” 

When dealing with people we must remember that we are not dealing with creatures of logic but instead creatures of emotion. As much as we wish we could help it at times, we are controlled by our emotions, and are motivated by pride and vanity. “The desire to be important” is the deepest urge in human nature says philosopher John Dewer.  

Most people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong. I guess it is in our nature to put a wall up and be on the defense. You ever hear of “two gun Crowley”? He was a cop killer and was hiding out in an apartment while one hundred and fifty policemen were surrounding him. They made holes in the roof and tried to smoke Crowley out with tear gas. Than they mounted their machine guns on buildings and for about an hour or so one of New Yorks finest areas was full of the sounds and vibrations of machine guns. Crowley continually shot at the policemen. When he was captured he was deemed to be one of the most dangerous criminals ever encountered in the history of New York said Police Commissioner E.P Mulrooney.  

But how do you think Crowley regarded himself? He left a letter while the police were firing into his apartment addressed to “to whom it may concern” and he wrote “Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one—one that would do nobody any harm.” He seen no fault in his doings and felt as if all he was doing was protecting himself. He was sentenced to the electric chair and when he arrived at the death house of Sing Sing he said “This is what I get for defending myself?”  

Crowley didn’t take any blame for anything he had done and this is not uncommon between criminals. They don’t see the wrong-doing they are partaking in, they have excuses for why it is everyone else’s fault but their own.  

Al Capone, Americans most notorious public enemy at one point,  the most sinister gang leader who ever shot up Chicago once said “I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man.” He regarded himself as a help to the community, a public benefactor, misunderstood and unappreciated, he claimed.  

If people like this can claim that their wrong-doings are justified, what do you think the people we encounter on the daily do? It’s sort of in our nature to be on the defence and to take criticism fairly poorly. Therefore when it comes to our personal relationships, a business encounter, whether we are the boss of a group of employees, a mentor, friend, or even in a romantic relationship, we should learn to take a step back and think of how we would want to be approached in the specific situation and contemplate what would help us best to get to the solution, instead of going straight to criticism and scolding.  

“Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” – Dale Carnegie. 

 A few months ago I became a manager at my work place and it didn’t take me long to realise that people have more respect, and want to listen to me more if I am understanding and listen instead of point blame and give negative feed-back. There is no reason to ever make somebody feel dumb for making a mistake, we’re human, it happens, there are solutions. If there is something that cannot be undone, getting angry and blowing off the handle does not make it any easier to find a solution, if anything it makes it harder. We should all learn to be a little more compassionate and open to other people’s ways of thinking because we cannot change someone to think the same way we do, a lot of us have our own definition of what common sense is and it’s exhausting and impossible to try to change the people around us. So, instead, we adapt. It really does make all the difference in the long run. You will start to see the changes happen once you learn how to master the method of dealing with people.  

“I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.” -John Wanamaker  

If you want to read more about this subject I suggest you read How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It is a book I recommend every single person read. We all can learn a little when it comes to dealing with each other and this book really does go over it all. Carnegie puts things in a perspective that makes it straightforward but also gets you thinking how different situations in your life could have been if only you had reacted differently.

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