I was at it again, off wandering, lying to myself again, saying this time would be different. That I would find what I was looking for. This time I brought my notebook and a few other things in my oversized bag. A few pairs of clothes, a couple books, toothbrush, hairbrush, the little necessities, my sketchbook and my comfort blanket I had since I was a baby.
This time I think I’ll take the train further than usual and maybe get off somewhere other than where I got on. Usually I ride the train for some sense of normalcy. I feel disassociated and out of tune with the world around me most of the time, most of my life actually. Especially when it comes to communicating. Everyone has always been in different to me. We all hear a different song, see a different picture and its just too much some days to try to get someone to see what you see. Language has no stable reference, it is a curse to the spiritual soul. I am who I am on the inside, language can not describe reality. It has no stable reference. Each persons interpretation is equally valid. Its all subjective, everyone hears a different tune, creates a different narrative.
Language written or spoken is meaningless, in fact nothing in life has meaning. This page this pen. Reality is also subjective. Life itself is sort of an illusion. This life thing is all a mystery. I’ve seen through the illusion for some time now. The only way for me to feel anything these days is to wander. I take the train a lot or just stroll through the streets.
This life may seem pointless at times, it may hold the grandest mystery of all time which causes confusion, anger, a sense of loneliness, but it also has so much to see. I want to see it all if it’s all I do. Watching the people trying to stay afloat in the grand rat race they entered themselves in is almost disheartening. But it’s no one’s fault but their own, I guess. So many people do what they think supposed to become successful and when they aren’t doing something to benefit their future they distract themselves with materialistic “joys” so they don’t have to feel bad about not doing what “supposed” to. They all have a fear of the unknown, so they try their best to get the most out of the now. But the fear of the unknown is a weakness. It presumes that there are dimensions of life that are out of our control. But really nothing is beyond our control. Nature has as much mystery as you would find in a pudding cup. It has no mind of its own.. It is a machine that grinds on mindlessly.
When considering the shortness of life and that what’s next questions, people decide to live life humbly. But humility is also a weakness, it’s for losers. I know that for the purpose of social and financial advancement I must pretend to be humble, move in line, duck my head, hand pats out on the backs of others and suck up to people, because deceit and phoniness are the currency of our society. I know if I ever fall into genuine humility I will be no different than the mass of humanity. In love with failure and the self-destruction of my own being.
So, I fake it. But I’ve become more numb to the world around me. I sort of feel like I am just a ghost floating through life. For some reason the train gives me that sense of normalcy I guess. More than anything else at least.
I remember when I was 19, about 5 years ago now, I had a plan to leave everything I knew behind. My parents, my two brothers, my boyfriend and the 2 friends I did have. That life just wasn’t doing it for me, I was miserable. I felt as if I was living some sort of programmed life. The routine was the same every day and I was supposed to accept that that was my life. So, I planned on taking the little money I did have saved—close to six thousand dollars—and go to Tahiti, then Dominican, Europe, Thailand, Montana, Denmark, anywhere but here. I would find small jobs in order to eat and have a place to sleep. I was ready to go feel something again. Anything. For the first time in a long time.
I wasn’t going to tell anyone but last minute I almost felt this sort of pity for the people I was leaving behind. Especially my mother, she would be worried sick. Her and I were so close, I had to at least let her know my plans. After days of arguing back and forth, she “convinced” me to stay. More like guilt tripped. Or made me feel stupid for even considering it. At the time I believed her. I had a great life here apparently, says she. A great boyfriend, family that loves me, a great job (I graduated from high school two years early with honours because I did summer school every year and night classes sometimes.) Plus I’m too smart for my own good as mom always used to say. I went to University, got my marketing degree and soon after got a job working for Harold Group restaurant’s. I make advertisements, billboards, online ads for all the restaurant’s under the Harold Group. The pay is great. I stayed. A year later I got an advance at my job. “See, honey, I told you this is where you belong.” mom says. Did she not see how miserable I was? I looked around daily to see if other people felt the same way. But behind their smiles and what may be an illusion of happiness, was only more smiles and what seemed to be genuine happiness. How? How do people find happiness in the mundane? In the routine? I feel like I’m slowly losing my damn mind and I’m only 24.
Everyone is so wrapped up with the egotistical things, status, money, power, career. Then there are chores, errands, bills to pay, kids to upkeep, pets to feed. Then doing it all again, and again, and again. Then they get wrapped up in materialistic things in hope of finding some kind of happiness. Involved with millions of little acts just to keep us going. To distract us. So we can tell ourselves that we are “living”, that we are doing what supposed to.
How many people actually take a step back and question is this it? Is this really what I want? Am I getting the most out of life? Isn’t there something missing?
Everyone drugged to sleep. Dreary by repetition of the tiresome sorrow of the inevitable.
The mundane is where most people live and they miss most of life. Life is for living. Not for being stuck in a rut of satisfaction from being a part of the “normality” that you find in the mundane. It is darkness for the human mind. It is not where we belong.
Doing the same things every day, constantly bothered about money, status, social standings. That is not for me. And the road and my art will set me free from that. I don’t need much. I want to share my art with people and find joy in the simplicity of life. Sleeping in shacks, tents, on the beach? No problem. Going a day without eating anything but berries and scraps I can forage from a forest in a remote country where I can watch the sun rise and the moon fall into the indigo sky at night with no alarm I need to set in order to wake up and slave away in order to make a living? No problem.
The train is passing through a small town on the outskirts of the big city of N.Y. I must have been sitting here for some time now. I made it from Boston to N.Y. I am not going to waste my money on finding a place in New York, way too expensive and I want the money I have to stretch as long as possible. Maybe I’ll stop once we are in Jersey city, maybe tomorrow I will go visit Buffalo and maybe even cross over to Canada, see a few sites there before I decide to take off to more tropical places. I have all the time in the world now. I have no plan but I am a smart girl, too smart for my own good and I will make a plan up as I go. I am finally ready to start living the real adventure of life and I can say I haven’t been this happy in a long time.
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If you are interested in reading about a variety of different subjects such as mental health, inside the minds of disturbed artists, the importance of being an introvert, importance of body language and non-verbal communication, the importance of mental rehearsal and imagery, the power of our minds, mindfulness, metaphysics and the cosmic world and how all the great genius’ of the past have tapped into this power to achieve seeming miracles, addiction, abuse, the effects loneliness and so much more, please check out some of my other posts:
