Here is a dark journal entry when dreams of death were better than reality. Written when I couldn’t find enough doors to hit my head off when it strayed, or count the heartaches I caused myself.
March 12, 2016
when time moves on and that breath is gone we ask ourselves have I been doing it right all along?
when the seasons change and life is rearranged, I ask myself, if i am just going through the motions, suppressing the real me behind a barrier that taught me I would only be loved if I acted in a certain manner, or am I really living? am I really feeling what the privilege of being human should feel like? shouldn’t I feel this spark, some sort of wholeness, magic in me? have I become this boring, or is there a hidden part of me I fail to see?
what am I even?
I never asked to be here but here I am.. trapped inside a gradually decaying body, with a unwavering altered-consciousness that seems to prefer storing the dark information at the forefront of my mind opposed to the good stuff. a consciousness that was created by the very likes of humans, good or evil, throughout the eras, as information and ideas were stored into the human mind and shared aloud. one that will never grant me entire freedom.
and there is no end..my conscious energy will continue to absorb endlessly. nor was there a beginning for that matter, we have always been, and always will be, and things we learn quite possibly could be things we already know.
when you look at the human mind as a goal-striving machine, it’s quite fathomable to believe that whomever our creator is, created each of us with the ability to exceed our fullest potential as human, to be extraordinary.
add a built-in failure mechanism embedded deep into our subconscious over the years.. and you have a recipe for chaos. demons.
dark alleys through the journey of life..until I reach some kind of destination, find some kind of absolute, some solace. but where may this destination lie? Is it among me maybe or is it somewhere after this thing called life? will I be in debt to a life of curiously pondering endlessly or do I get to a point where I win the game of life, find where I am supposed to be?
will I fill this longing within’ me?
will I find my home?
or will I realise it’s been in me all along?
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Kurt Cobain Journals: Inside The Mind Of A Disturbed Artist
Kurt Cobain filled dozens of notebooks with lyrics, writings, ideas, and drawings about his thoughts about fame, the state of music, the state of his generation, his plans for Nirvana and humans in general. His journals reveal an artist who loved music, who knew the history of it, and who was determined to define his…
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Mindfulness And Letting Go: Benefits of Being Mindful
Everybody is so caught up these days in the what if’s, I should have’s, the could have’s. Instead we should learn to practice Mindfulness and letting go. Too many of us psyche ourselves out before even knowing how something will turn out. We use past experiences or our nerves as an excuse for why we can’t do this or that.…
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How I Helped A Girl In An Abusive Relationship
So, today was an eventful day to say the least. Probably got myself into more “trouble” than I had to but if you know me, you know how much I hate ignorant people therefore, no matter the situation or time of day, I will speak my piece when someone speaks out of place. Although a…
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Highly Sensitive Personality. Take Control of Your Gift
In one of the books I’ve been reading, I came across something about a person with highly sensitive personality (HSP) and after reading the information about what it is exactly, I have come to some realisations within myself: maybe, after all, I am not a nut, a weirdo, so different than the rest. I am not the…
