Dark Journal Entry When Dreams of Death Were Better Than Reality

purple petaled flowers near black book

Here is a dark journal entry when dreams of death were better than reality. Written when I couldn’t find enough doors to hit my head off when it strayed, or count the heartaches I caused myself.

March 12, 2016

when time moves on and that breath is gone we ask ourselves have I been doing it right all along?

when the seasons change and life is rearranged, I ask myself, if i am just going through the motions, suppressing the real me behind a barrier that taught me I would only be loved if I acted in a certain manner, or am I really living? am I really feeling what the privilege of being human should feel like? shouldn’t I feel this spark, some sort of wholeness, magic in me? have I become this boring, or is there a hidden part of me I fail to see?

what am I even?

I never asked to be here but here I am.. trapped inside a gradually decaying body, with a unwavering altered-consciousness that seems to prefer storing the dark information at the forefront of my mind opposed to the good stuff. a consciousness that was created by the very likes of humans, good or evil, throughout the eras, as information and ideas were stored into the human mind and shared aloud. one that will never grant me entire freedom.
and there is no end..my conscious energy will continue to absorb endlessly. nor was there a beginning for that matter, we have always been, and always will be, and things we learn quite possibly could be things we already know.

when you look at the human mind as a goal-striving machine, it’s quite fathomable to believe that whomever our creator is, created each of us with the ability to exceed our fullest potential as human, to be extraordinary.
add a built-in failure mechanism embedded deep into our subconscious over the years.. and you have a recipe for chaos. demons.

dark alleys through the journey of life..until I reach some kind of destination, find some kind of absolute, some solace. but where may this destination lie? Is it among me maybe or is it somewhere after this thing called life? will I be in debt to a life of curiously pondering endlessly or do I get to a point where I win the game of life, find where I am supposed to be?
will I fill this longing within’ me?
will I find my home?
or will I realise it’s been in me all along?

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  • Orchestrated Delirium | Blueprints of the Confined

    Orchestrated Delirium | Blueprints of the Confined

    The common room was swallowed by the kind of silence that only exists just before dawn—when the fears and demands of the day have loosened their grip, and even the restless finally surrender.  I stood by the water cooler, listening to the hollow churn of ice and water filling my glass. The sound felt too…


  • A Time We Should Be More Connected Than Ever Yet We Seem More Disconnected

    A Time We Should Be More Connected Than Ever Yet We Seem More Disconnected

    We have advanced so much as a species over time, from the horse-buggy to the car, to the plane, the rocket ship, the most advanced form of military technology and security. We have made thousands of advances in science and medicine, learning more about the world and the human condition as a whole, each and…


  • Agoraphobic Friend Who Got Lost Inside Her Own Head: Why Must The Best People Suffer?

    Agoraphobic Friend Who Got Lost Inside Her Own Head: Why Must The Best People Suffer?

    This is the brief story of an agoraphobic friend who got lost inside her own head: why must the best people suffer? The people who deserve the most love and kindness in this world seem to be the ones who end up with the short side of the stick every time. Life is unfair to…


  • Do Social Awkwardness and High Intelligence Go Hand in Hand?

    Do Social Awkwardness and High Intelligence Go Hand in Hand?

    To me it always seems as if the “awkward” or “weird” people are highly intelligent, so I did some research to answer the question: do Social awkwardness and high intelligence go hand and hand? Research has shown that there is a high correlation between being intelligent and socially anxious. The higher your IQ, the higher…


  • Are More Humans Selfish or Selfless?

    Are More Humans Selfish or Selfless?

    Lately I have been wondering, where do all the lonely people of world come from? How to do they become the lonely, lost souls I seem to see lingering around today? What went wrong along the way? And why do those people still seem to use any strength they have left to help a stranger…


  • How The Wrong People Prevent Us From Being the Right Us

    How The Wrong People Prevent Us From Being the Right Us

    Remember those days in high school when sports teams were your enemy because you were never athletic enough or the dorky days in elementary school where you got picked on for wanting to read a book instead of play outside? Or even the uncomfortable teenage years where you did not know how to be the…


  • Why Do People Confuse Everything That Could Be Simple?

    Why Do People Confuse Everything That Could Be Simple?

    There is so much unnecessary confusion intertwined in every single layer of every part of life and my inability to express this confusion makes everything more confusing. I feel like things could be so simple but people make it so hard.


  • Why Do My Words Have More Value In My Head Compared To When Spoken Aloud?

    Why Do My Words Have More Value In My Head Compared To When Spoken Aloud?

    I remember feeling as if my head would explode as I wrote the journal entry below. I was so bad with the whole idea of accepting that everyone hears a different song, sees a different picture. No! People needed to know EXACTLY what I was talking about and exactly where my mindset and train of…


  • Life Cycle, We’re All in it

    Life Cycle, We’re All in it

    To be naive again. To not know, would be a blessing.  When you are a kid, there is morning where the sun rises, the birds chirp, mom makes breakfast, everything is good. Then there is night time where the sun sets, the birds go to sleep, the coons and skunks come out and streetlights go on…


  • How To Use Mental Imagery Until Your Dreams Are Your Reality

    How To Use Mental Imagery Until Your Dreams Are Your Reality

    Everyone of us have a “life instinct” which is always working towards happiness, health, well-being and all that makes life better for the individual. Works for us, through the “Creative Mechanism.” Which could be used correctly and be a “Success Mechanism,” or incorrectly and be a “Failure Mechanism.” We have access to a power greater…


  • Power Of Being An Introvert In A World That Won’t Slow Down

    Power Of Being An Introvert In A World That Won’t Slow Down

    Our lives are shaped by our personality just as fundamentally as they are by our gender or race. The world is made up of varied personality types but the most important is where we fall on the introvert, extrovert spectrum. Being either an introvert or an extrovert influences the way we live our lives: our…


  • How Does Learning About Metaphysics Benefit Us?

    How Does Learning About Metaphysics Benefit Us?

    Humans have ignored one of the most ancient and important branches of philosophy for years, deeming it as non-essential, but more and more people are now seeing the power of the metaphysical miracle we have in all of us.


  • Is It Selfish To Put Myself First Sometimes?

    Is It Selfish To Put Myself First Sometimes?

    So many of us live for everyone but ourselves, why? Why do we feel the need to please everyone else before we even think about our own well-being.


  • The Old Legend Of The Truth And The Lie

    The Old Legend Of The Truth And The Lie

    I wanted to share this with you guys, hoping you’d like it as much as I did when I first read it. Although, I don’t necessarily believe “The Truth” should be shameful. “The Truth” is naked because she has nothing to hide, hence, shouldn’t be ashamed. Or perhaps she was ashamed because she got tricked…


  • Learn How To Identify And Use Non-Verbal Communication

    Learn How To Identify And Use Non-Verbal Communication

    You know body language says more about what we are trying to say than our actual words do? 93% of communication is non-verbal. Forty three finely tuned muscles in the human face can be reorganized and combined into ten thousand possible combinations of expressions. In just one interaction there are approximately a thousand non-verbal factors…


  • Kurt Cobain Journals: Inside The Mind Of A Disturbed Artist

    Kurt Cobain Journals: Inside The Mind Of A Disturbed Artist

    Kurt Cobain filled dozens of notebooks with lyrics, writings, ideas, and drawings about his thoughts about fame, the state of music, the state of his generation, his plans for Nirvana and humans in general. His journals reveal an artist who loved music, who knew the history of it, and who was determined to define his…


  • Mindfulness And Letting Go: Benefits of Being Mindful

    Mindfulness And Letting Go: Benefits of Being Mindful

    Everybody is so caught up these days in the what if’s, I should have’s, the could have’s. Instead we should learn to practice Mindfulness and letting go. Too many of us psyche ourselves out before even knowing how something will turn out. We use past experiences or our nerves as an excuse for why we can’t do this or that.…


  • How I Helped A Girl In An Abusive Relationship

    How I Helped A Girl In An Abusive Relationship

    So, today was an eventful day to say the least. Probably got myself into more “trouble” than I had to but if you know me, you know how much I hate ignorant people therefore, no matter the situation or time of day, I will speak my piece when someone speaks out of place. Although a…


  • Highly Sensitive Personality. Take Control of Your Gift

    Highly Sensitive Personality. Take Control of Your Gift

    In one of the books I’ve been reading, I came across something about a person with highly sensitive personality (HSP) and after reading the information about what it is exactly, I have come to some realisations within myself: maybe, after all, I am not a nut, a weirdo, so different than the rest. I am not the…