Below is a journal entry from my 20 year old self when I was angry at the world mostly because I wasn’t really doing anything to be a apart of it due to the amount of substances I decided to put into my body. Once I seen the reality of how tough the world was and how much emotion I had to hide in able to get along with everyone else.. I sort of retreated into myself because I would rather be numb with drugs than to feel the way I felt everyday.
There were so many opportunities, so many questions, so many people who seemed to know all the answers and be confident in their life paths.. it was too much for me, I overwhelmed myself on the daily by putting too much pressure on myself and when I didn’t measure up to my expectations I put myself even deeper into this hole I was digging for myself.
Things have changed drastically to say the least so, it’s nice to look back and be confident in knowing that in spite of what I am going through at the time, it is possible to change things around and break out of old habits and old ways of thinking. Humans are resilient, our minds powerful, we can bounce back from almost anything. In knowing this, I now will never allow myself to get into the rut I once was in.
January 13, 2016
No ambition. No inspiration. No goals. A failure. A loser. A loner. Woke up at 7:30pm today, ha ha ha haa. Words can not describe the feeling of hatred I hold towards myself these days. My days pass like hours. I long for the night to do my drugs and to disappear in my hideaway. Watching the clock, counting the hours until it is acceptable for me to be in my room, in my darkness for the rest of the night. I like to stay up all night, although the feeling is sometimes lonely, I like knowing that I am the only one awake, no one to bother me, and those are the times I really get to know me, and I can say I never really knew what it was like to really know self until I found a sort of bliss in my loneliness.
I hate days, I hate sunlight, knowing people are looking at me and judging, not just me but everyone we see, we judge, it is instinct as humans. I hate socially awkward convos, I hate the flakiness I see through peoples eyes, I hate how where ever I go I don’t seem to really fit, but people just tolerate me and are nice to me. I hate feeling so small. I hate trying.
But at the same time, I do love life, the idea of it at least. Life, although sometimes it feels void of all hope, the earth in itself really is work of art, a masterpiece. From the sunsets, the mountains, the oceans, rivers and waterfalls, to the rainbows, the thunderstorms, when you see that strike of lightning bolting across the sky, even the destruction like earthquakes and floods have their beauty in them. The smell of pine trees or freshly cut grass on a hot summer day, hiking through a forest with 100 foot tall trees that are hundreds of years old, the history in them, the history in us, the mystery in us, in the world.
The powers we are capable of tapping into to reach the cosmic universe, which can allow us to reach our highest potentials. The progress we have already made as a species is remarkable, we went from our age expectancy to be about 40, back in the day, now being 80-100. People are living longer, people are becoming smarter, but at the same time so much more dumb in certain ways.
I hate but also kind of love the idea of the not knowing, because of the unknown we are able to ponder our existence through our spiritual minds and maybe that is how it is supposed to be.. maybe we are supposed to figure it out for ourselves, maybe there will never be any answers anywhere but inside of us. Which is scary but also like a test. We have to be able to pass it to find real happiness maybe?
Scary but also liberating that we only get one life to prove ourselves, to make something of ourselves, to find what our hearts most desire and what makes our souls feel on fire and really live. I don’t agree with a lot of peoples life choices but I love that we have choices, that we have free will and freedom of speech, that we have the opportunity to be the most unique version of ourselves and that if we wanted we really could change our whole character in the blink of an eye if you just move to a new city where no one knows us.
I love the idea of never knowing exactly what is going to happen next but the fact that none of us know, the fact that we are all on the same boat pondering our very existence, sort of makes us part of one big family. I love the idea of being out and about in a city full of people, so many people, all tending to their own needs and desires, or the idea of driving on the highway with hundreds of other cars, all going to unknown destinations, but all leading their own life and know nothing different just like I myself don’t know what it feels like to be anyone but me. All so different but all on the same journey, trying to find “home” or if it is no longer home, and this is our home, we’re still trying to figure out where it is we started.
I am not sure if everything happens for a reason specifically because there is a lot that does not make sense, but to believe everything is just a coincidence and life has no patterns but instead is just filled with utter chaos and randomness, would be terrifying in itself and I bet you half of the reason why people may go insane. Way too chilling of a feeling to think that everything is just a coincidence and we have no official say in what may or may not happen, or any real perception of time or what’s to come for us. It’s eerie to believe that there is no timeline, no definite purpose for our lives, that everything just happens because it does. That all this misery, death, torture, pain, regret, guilt, remorse, depression, chaos, demons in our minds just happen and then there is darkness? Nah, believing in something like that is how people go insane for sure, not having anything to believe in can deteriorate a person over time.
With those thoughts swimming around my head endlessly it would be impossible for me to find any long lasting joy so, I need to stop being so negative.
I have my passionate, happy about life thoughts, then my other not so happy, deep, dark thoughts that scare me and leave me feeling empty and that life has no meaning or absence. The thoughts occur whenever they please, most of the time out of my control.. but I am trying to change that, I am genuinely trying to not allow my thoughts to control me.
Rather than reflecting on the dark, hideous speculations on the idea of nothing but blackness after we are gone, I am going to transition back to my elated, enthusiastic for the future, eager for all the joyous wonders life will bring me, kind of thoughts.
I love the idea of knowing we have the power to do so much for another person, that we can ultimately change the course of someone’s bad day depending on the actions we make. I love that we have the power to mend, reconcile a broken soul, that we can bring light to an otherwise dark a dreary day. The powers we have make someone feel something is magnificent but it seems these days, this power is used more for the negative opposed to the positive.
I love that humans synchronously singing a song can instantaneously lift our spirits and how certain actions or words can allow someone to change their mind on something so drastic or to look at things in a better light. We have the power to do so much for someone, to affect someone drastically. Whoever created us, I am confused by you but also amazed. I think the human mind is the biggest puzzle piece we will ever encounter.
I love that music can make us feel so much and helps put things into perspective for us, helps us cope, comforts us. That it will always be there. I love the idea of going on a road trip and simultaneously blasting our favourite songs, smoking cigarettes out the car window. I love the idea of being caught up in the moment, lost in the trance of having fun and not knowing anything of the past or future just that present moment, forgetting about the perception of time or life in general, just really living. (whatever that may be)
I love the idea of having a wild night and waking up on the beach you were partying on, with your closest friends, where even though you don’t have a roof over your head, yet still feel safe and comforted. Looking a mess but still find the closest breakfast shack to stuff your raging stomachs and recollect the memories from the night before, relishing in life, laughing at each other, at ourselves. I love the idea of screaming all night at a concert and being made fun of by your loved one for your croaky morning voice, finding the bright side of dull situations, being one of the many holding onto hope for dear life, that one day all of our suffering and pain will be heard and there will be a purpose for it all.
I love the fact that we do have each other, although sometimes it feels the opposite. Just having someone by your side, even in silence, can make all the difference. Human connection is everything.
I love the idea of making a name for ourselves here in this world, despite the feeling of sometimes being trapped in a systematic, programmed, and digitalised world where our roles as humans are handed to us, being told that is the only way to survival, to freedom, to success. Although sometimes, yes it really does feel like I am trapped in my body, and given a mind that allows me to question my own great beliefs and believe that everything in comparison to the vast, eternal world we live in is void of any meaning; that we are insignificant nothings, just a spec, compared to the universe around us, I still really like to believe that I love the idea of life. I NEED to believe it, I HAVE to convince myself that there is more than what is going on in my head. That life is not as deep as I think, that it’s normal to be stuck in your head, that everyone is, but found peace with it. I need to find peace with not being able to open myself up like a book, allowing the pages to spill over the people around me. I need to be okay with knowing myself, liking myself and being okay with knowing I will be the ONLY one who really knows me. Need to convince myself of these things or I won’t be okay, I know myself enough to know that. I put it in writing to convince myself I guess.
I love the “freedom” we seem to have, which we sometimes take advantage of, although other countries would kill to have even the illusion of freedom that we have.. It’s nice to pretend to be free anyway. I love the idea of backpacking across Europe with no real plans, just seeing where the world takes you, the idea of adventuring and taking pleasure in all of life’s great wonders. I love the feeling of accomplishment after doing something tough, or the feeling of contentedness when in someone’s arms, someone that makes you feel safe, at home. Or the feeling of gratitude when someone seems to do something nice for you just because, or that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you helped someone out, and knowing you have the power to do so.
There really are endless amount of opportunities for happiness in this world.. Maybe its just about wanting it, like they say.. but I’m not so sure, because I’m almost positive I’ve never met someone that doesn’t want to be happy. So, if we all want it but a lot of us don’t attain it, is it really all about wanting it? Just got to find you, I guess.
As of right now, as I sit on my bed in my little room in the corner of the hall where I spend most of my time, it’s easy for me to say I know what I need and want to be happy. Yet I haven’t really lived so how could I know?
Wouldn’t it be crazy if we all came to the realisation that the only reason there is misery and suffering in this world is because we allow it? Because it is so deep in our roots as humans, that we are so stuck in the past that the cycle of human misery continues decade after decade, century after century. That maybe, just maybe if we were born with a clean slate, no history books to teach us about war and famish, rape, torture, machismo, patriarchy, racism, communism and just all the failures of men, that maybe we would have been alright? That we would be create our own views, morals and values, and a system that works for us all?
Or are humans just destined to be inconsiderate, power hungry leeches?
“Nevertheless, with Gein in mind, how easy it was to imagine that a monstrous evil lurked nearby. Watching. Scheming. Driven by an unspeakable hunger. In a century torn by two world wars, marked by the brothels of men like Hitler, Stalin, the monsters were no longer supernatural, but human, and their humanity made them scarier than vampires and hell born fiends.” -Dean Koontz, from The Corner Of His Eye.
Imagine if there were fake history books made up, telling the tales of only good that happened, and how men always choose good opposed to evil. You think then that humans would not know any better but take each step with their moral doing weighing on their conscience? Each step taken to benefit the world, would we too, always choose good over evil?
Is it just because it is in embedded in our heads that humans are evil and that the world is a dark place that makes humans evil and the world dark? I don’t know but I do know that things that were not accepted back in the day are more accepted today, such as gays, blacks, and woman’s rights.
We as a race made them more acceptable, with medical advancement we realised that AIDS were not caused solely by gay sex, we opened our minds to skin being just a colour, and that all humans are equal, white, black, male, female. How, I don’t really know. It was a gradual change, takes one person to get an idea and then spread that idea until it starts to seem like it’s everywhere and if its everywhere it must make sense right? I don’t know how we became more open minded but we did, and we are, because we created a pathway to accepting things we as humans never did.
So, now when people are born into the world in this day in age, it is normal for them to see gays, blacks and woman as equal because that’s what they grow up knowing. While the older people who were born back then that are still stuck in their beliefs look at the new age and wonder what the hell is wrong with these millennial’s? When really we should be the only ones with the right to ask them, what the fuck is wrong with you?
If we were able to change our minds gradually on matters such as these, does this mean it is possible to eventually teach the younger generations that depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses are all in our minds? Will we ever advance to a point where human misery and suffering will no longer be a thing, I wonder. I believe it is possible, I just wish I was going to be around to see it.“We are all ruled by the past, although no one understands it. No recognises the power of the past.” He said with a sweep of his hand. “But if you think about it, the past has always been more important than the present. The present is like a coral island that sticks above the water, but it is built upon millions of dead corals under the surface, that no one sees. In the same way, our everyday world is built upon millions and millions of events and decisions that occurred in the past. And what we add in the present in trivial.
“A teenager has breakfast, then goes to the store to buy the latest CD of a new band. Who has defined what ‘band’ is? Who defined a ‘store’? Who defined a ‘teenager’ or ‘breakfast’? To say nothing of all the rest, the kids entire social setting- family, school, clothing, transportation and government.
“None of this has been decided in the present. Most of it was decided hundreds of years ago. This kid is sitting on a mountain that is the past. And he never notices it. He is ruled by what he never sees, never thinks about, doesn’t know. It is a form of coercion that is accepted without question. This same kid is sceptical of other forms of control- parental restrictions, commercial messages, government laws. But the invisible rule of the past, which decides nearly everything in his life, goes unquestioned. This is real power. Power that can be taken and used. For just as the present is ruled by the past, so is the future. That is why I say the future belongs to the past.”
