Why Is Being Out In The World So Overwhelming?

Do you ever ask yourself “why is being out in the world so overwhelming?” because I used to live everyday as if I was being tortured by the pressures and chaos of the world. I’ve asked myself this question more than I can count. Eventually once I learned how to be in control of my feelings, thoughts and emotions, it all started to slow down for me gradually and things got a little easier with each passing day until being out in the world was nothing but fun for me, with mystery and adventure around every corner. I stopped being scared of failing or what other’s opinions of me were, instead I just embraced the beauty of every fleeting moment. Because that is what they are, fleeting.. here one second and gone the next. If you don’t learn to slow it all down, take a look around every once in a while, this life will pass you by in the blink of an eye.

Domestication and the Dream of the Planet

“That is why humans resist life. To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves Is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live by other people’s point of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else.” 

Miguel Ruiz

This is another one of those dark journal entries when I was not yet in control of my emotions, feelings and thoughts. When being alone seemed like the only safe spot I could run to in order to feel a sense of normalcy again.

A lot has changed when it comes to me being in control and not allowing the things that do not matter to bother me. We are all human, no one has all the answers. No one knows exactly how to do life “right” while the rest of us are lost in the dark. We are all imperfect and learning as we go. I only hope other’s can realise this before life seems to become too overwhelming where it becomes unmanageable and you find yourself in a rut in years to come. Try to change your way of thinking now, do some research on the mind and how it is possible to bend and twist it like an elastic pretty much, in order to feel and act and be exactly it is who you wish to. Things don’t have to be so complicated, us humans make them complicated.

Read some of my other posts in the mental health and the power of mind section of my site and you can see how you too are capable of making life your greatest adventure instead of the scariest thing you can imagine.

January 31, 2016

Why and how I could do this to myself day in and day out are the constants that run through my mind, those questions never fully disappear. Since I don’t think anyone to the full extent could comprehend exactly how it is I’m feeling I tried my best to somewhat explain it to Brandon through text because writing is the only way I seem to know how to somewhat get the thoughts in my head to sort of slow down for a little while. Only way I know how to get the thoughts to make sense instead of coming out a jumbled mess like when I try to speak them. 

“You are so understanding and I love that so much about you. To someone I’ll never be able to truly explain what finding the best version of myself entails because I don’t even know who that is or how to even begin to do that but I do know I cannot continue to live my life in constant fear. You do make me happy and I love your company but it’s just something in me that I can’t help but try so hard to everyday.  

It is something that only changes when I drink –the constant flow of insecure thoughts. Continuously checking the mirror, fixing my hair, repeatedly readjusting my position, not wanting people to look at me from certain angles or better yet, at all. Needing regular reassurance that I am okay, that no one is staring at me, that my heart isn’t beating faster than it should be. Hearing someone laugh in public and automatically assuming they are laughing at me. Constantly looking around looking like a sketchy person, as if I am doing something wrong but in actuality I am just making sure I’m not the center of attention, the laughing stock. And God forbid anyone is looking in my direction, I will automatically come to the conclusion that they were talking about me and I’ll get scared or worried and have to move to a different location.  

Constantly terrified of public interactions. Scared some girl might start small talk with me or that I will bump into someone I know where I’ll stumble on words and sound like an idiot. Then I have to go on knowing that person is looking at me as a weirdo. I wish I didn’t care or think about it, I truly wish I was cool and laid back in my mind. To not care and to just brush off a little incident and laugh about it, but nope I’m me and I can’t do that. The Queen of worry. Always feeling as normal everyday activities are stressful tasks for me and I look at social gatherings as something I have to get over with so I can go back to my solidarity and finally feel at peace again. Where I can stop calculating every move for it’s effect, where I can stop feeling the blood run through my veins, my heart seemingly pumping out of my chest, the itchy fabric I feel with every step I take, or move I make, the sweat running down the back of my neck or under my arms, the loud noises, the prying eyes, the voices speaking at warp speed making it hard to understand what is being said. The pain I see in other’s eyes, in my own eyes in store windows. All gone when I am alone. I feel free again. 

I cry over any little bad thing that happens to anyone. Just knowing there are sad lonely people in this world is a heavy burden I can’t seem to shake. I feel too much, everything hurts. It is all too much sometimes. Solidarity and a vice to shut off the constant thoughts, whether that be drugs, binge eating, drinking, or just getting lost in a book, is something I feel I need in order to make sure I don’t unravel. And even during those moments of distraction, sometimes the veil disappears and I see things for what they really are and I the thoughts come flooding in like a fucking waterfall and I start hysterically crying, holding my knees to my chest trying to keep myself together. Constantly overwhelmed with the never ending feeling that it’s not worth bettering myself for a world I cannot better.”