How Do I Know If I’m The Problem?

The journal entry below is around the time I started to realize I was the one holding myself back from living the life I wished to live. Yeah, I went through my fair share of hard times, wasted some years, chose the wrong path a few times, and yes, life was stressful and it was tough at times but these were not excuses for being a hate filled, angry person my whole life. Some people down right sucked to say the least and sometimes the good guys finish last but it was time to suck it up and put on my big girl pants. We can’t control other people’s actions or how they feel or think but we can change how we react to the things people may have done to us and how we allow it to affect us throughout our lives. I am slowly learning that.

Again, this entry is from when I just started to work on myself therefore I was not where I wanted to be yet, it was all a work in progress still. So, the relationship I mention did not work out after 3 years of fighting and me taking my internal anger out on him. I wasn’t ready for a relationship and shouldn’t have got involved with anyone in the state I was in at that stage of my life. Every stage of life is a lesson though and im still learning as I go.. Let’s look back:

May 29, 2016

I met an amazing guy. I’m scared to write about it because it still doesn’t seem real. He’s perfect. And for some reason he likes me. I always have it in my head that there’s no way things will actually go as planned, so when they seem to, when everything seems to be going okay with no signs of falling off, it seems too good to be true. I seem to seek out the negative in situations where it’s non-existent, I create the miserable life I have been living. The more I seem to expect bad to happen: it does. It’s like internally I don’t believe I deserve good things or I know they can’t be good for that long knowing myself, so I unconsciously don’t allow myself to get to that success point..instead I just keep making excuses for why I don’t have it or will never get it. Looking for a scapegoat for my failures when I am probably the only one to blame.  

It’s not other people, it’s not society, “the system”, or the negative ass planet we live on, it is me. I choose this shit I realize.. And it is only when I am sitting down and in my own head that I will admit it..  

Because I realize when I am with other people and out in the world I am constantly on the defense, blaming everyone but myself for my shortcomings.  

Even when I see the success and happiness of others I still blame everyone else, and society for why I can’t be the same way although it is clear that it is only resentment towards those other people because they are proof that happiness and success does exist and that therefore I must be the only one creating the barrier that leads me to it.  

I realize I don’t make a good friend or co-worker simply for the fact that I can not take criticism. I become more agitated and resentful when someone tries to teach me something. This attitude I have embedded in me is not good.. I realize I am not going to get very far in life if I continue to think the way I do. I use resentment for a way to make myself feel more important. I know it’s because I expected so much more for myself at this age so its hard for me to admit I am the only reason I am not where I want to be. I get some weird kind of satisfaction from feeling wronged because it gives me some kind of false superiority to the people or the things that wronged me. I allow myself to get up on a high horse and act as if things should be handed to me because I have been treated unjustly by the world. It’s as if this feeling of resentment has become an emotional habit for me. I put myself in the role of the victimized person wherever it is I go.. 

It is because I am constantly looking for something to go wrong, something to feel sorry for myself for that it is easy to see so-called evidence of injustice or that I have been wronged in situations so minor or innocent. I feel like it has gotten to the point where I allow myself to seek out things to resent, seek out the negative so much so that it feels unnatural when it is absent.  

This resentment I harbor makes it so much harder, if not impossible to ever see myself as the strong, independent, go getting, boss ass woman I want to be. I hand over the steering wheel of my life to everyone else, allowing them to dictate how I feel, how I should act.  

I need to have more confidence in myself. I need to be able to own up to the shit I have allowed to happen for so long.  

Yeah, I wasted a lot of time, yeah I am not where I want to be at this point in my life, and fuck yeah do a lot of people seem to live to make others miserable but I have lots of time, theres lots of people in this place and if I don’t let go of these feelings of resentment and emptiness I will lose the rest of my time too. I need to look at what I can do now, not dwell on what I already haven’t done. There is no going back, no undoing stuff that has been done. I need to accept that. Breath, let go. 

I can’t lose this guy..  

I did not want a relationship in my life right now, it is the very farthest thing from what I feel I need but I have never met anyone like him.. I can’t let him slip away. I know it’s only been 10 days.. But this shit feels like the movies, feels like I’ve known him way longer, 

Maybe he could help me without even knowing it. Of course I will not ask him for help or even tell him I need it, I will just try my hardest to keep the crazy inside and eventually I will train my mind to break out of this cocoon I have gotten myself wrapped up in.  

I met him last week, on the May 24 weekend and it kind of just happened so non-chalantley that I feel like he was meant to be in that place at that time and so was I. 

So my sisters and some friends and I we’re all sitting by the fire which is visible from the street. Some people we’re walking by just as they we’re the whole night, therefore it wasn’t anything we paid much attention to but then one our friend, Bren at the fire said “Ayyy, Trevor whattup.” And he looks over and acknowledges it was us and goes “Ayyy its you guys whats up I never knew this was your trailer.” Talking to my sisters and I. 

Trevor is part of the group of people we kind of knew while growing up here. My sisters and I weren’t as close with him but we knew him and he knew us. He was with two friends and said they had just got up and we’re walking around looking to see who was all up so far. He introduced his friends Thomas and Jonathan and and they came to sit by the fire with us.  

Jonathan is perfect. He is so handsome, half Italian, half Caribbean. Dark hair, hazel eyes, his skin a perfect caramel colour, nice build (when I say nice I mean like 210 pounds of muscle) and his smile makes me fucking melt. I feel like I feel genuinely feel happy when his face lights up. And I don’t know if I am seeing things or if he is a player and does this to everyone to try to lure them in but the way he looks at me, damnnn, he makes me feel so good, like I am this amazing creature that he is in awe of. Like he is so amazed by me and so happy to be in my presence. It makes my heart have this weird fluttery, light ass feathery feeling, or sometimes like it is dropping to the pit of my stomach. I never felt that from someone looking at me before.. He makes me feel weak almost but its probably just anxiety or a nervous feeling. 

Maybe it is too good to be true and I am just imagining what I want to see.. Or maybe he really is just trying to get someone to hook up with while he’s partying up in Timber with his boys.. I don’t know but I want to believe it is real. At the same time I am so scared of allowing my insecurities, my resentment, agitation and negativity to ruin this for me like it does everything else. I’m so scared. But I have never felt this way in my life and I don’t want to be the reason I don’t get the chance to be with this amazing guy.. I mean I guess I don’t even know him yet but the way he makes me feel is like nothing I have ever felt, he genuinely seems like he cares about the well being of other people, he seems kind and gentle and although he is so handsome he seems so humble which is so refreshing these days. 

I wonder how long I can hide this crazy. Hopefully until I could train it to go away for good.. 

“Nothing can work me damage except myself, the harm that I sustain I carry about with me, and am never a real sufferer but by my own fault.” St. Bernard. 

If you are interested in reading about a variety of different subjects such as mental health, inside the minds of disturbed artists, the importance of being an introvert, importance of body language and non-verbal communication, the importance of mental rehearsal and imagery, the power of our minds, mindfulness, metaphysics and the cosmic world and how all the great genius’ of the past have tapped into this power to achieve seeming miracles, addiction, abuse, the effects loneliness and so much more, please check out some of my other posts: