The Dark Side Of The Mind

In this entry we will enter the dark side of the mind.

It’s as if I presumed things would some how magically get better as I did absolutely nothing to try to make it so… I was living a miserable life but also not really living at all. I  was in some state of spiritual zombie like numbness. I isolated myself from the world because I claimed that nobody thinks like me and that everyone is wrong. About everything. Little did I know at the time, I was the one in the wrong.  

People didn’t understand my point of view on certain matters or if they disagreed with my views? Punching myself in the head as well as the walls, doors or whatever I could get my hands on at the time and screaming like a crazy person will certainly make them understand right? Or at least get them to see how serious I am on the matter. Or just simply for sorry for me. That fixes everything right?  

Like damn kid, the world is unfair and there are misunderstandings, DEAL with it as everyone else does. (Wish I was able to give myself some tough love when I needed it, maybe I wouldnt have wasted 6 years of my life.)  

Hahaha, man have I come a long way. It’s scary to think I ever thought this way and damn am I glad I was strong enough to break myself out of this dark cycle of life I was venturing down. I can honestly say that if I didn’t redirect the self-destructive path I was running on, I would have been dead by now. I think a lot of the reason I was in the mindset and rut I was in was due my addiction problems as well. It was hard to find any kind of joy without using.  

Nothing had meaning, life was just the test we had to get through in order to see where we went next. I gave up on it, I didnt care about what was next, or what was happening now. I wanted to be lost in my play pretend world of drugs because I couldn’t stand this place.  

To say I am proud of myself for getting to where I am now is an understatement. I’m happy to be alive and writing this for anyone who cares to read it. 😊 Stay, healthy and happy guys! Life is way too damn short to search for other worlds when the one in front of us is so magnificent! 

Let’s look back 4 years ago:

November 19, 2019

Life is a real whirlwind of emotions as they say and damn were they right. I worried so much when I was a teenager about not living the life I should have been living as a kid my age. Then when I reached my twenties and finally broke out of that damn rabbit hole I was digging myself into, and I started working full time and soon after moved up in position and became a manager, I started to believe I might be okay and that life might slowly work itself out. Once I gained that confidence at my job because I realised that I was an asset and helped the business grow instead of hinder, I believed things were only going to up from there.  

Things went great for a little bit for sure, I even made friends in the restaurant industry, some of the best people I have ever known. I broke out of my shell and grew a little bit of a back bone which was nice since it was non-existent my whole life. I even remember over hearing my mom talking to my aunt when I was younger (it was hardly over-hearing, I was in the room and she was just talking casually) She told her how my older sister reminded her of her young self so much, so strong, such a tough back bone, and then went on to mention how I am the exact opposite. I did not choose how I was born. I wish with all my heart that I was tougher growing up and man did I try but I was not able to change my genetic coding, sadly.  

So, I made friends, I grew a back-bone and then years went on and on and they started to drag the more years that passed. Now, I am twenty three and at the same dead-end job and man, does life seem more and more pointless as time goes on.  

I remember I got to a point a couple years ago where I convinced myself that it didn’t matter that I worked my ass off now and pretty much lived just to work, go home, make food, eat, clean, then sleep and do it all over again. I convinced myself that I was just going to save, save, save and eventually I would have enough to pursue a goal of mine, (go to school for something I am passionate about) or make an investment, even if it was just a house to call my own that I could rent half of it out. I convinced myself that in the near future when I had more money and stability that I would be happy. 

I spent most of the last 5 years at work and too psychically exhausted to want to do anything and too mentally exhausted to keep up on any friendships. I cancel plans all the time or avoid situations where I may have to socialize because I am just mentally exhausted of keeping up. I don’t like small talk, and I don’t like that I can see through people’s fake. I feel a lot of my life that people tolerate me but don’t really know how to properly engage with me I don’t know I am awkward at times and then angry other times, I think people may not know how to read me therefore don’t know how to talk to me. Which only makes it easier for me to make excuses by saying there is no point, it’s too exhausting to try.  

So, I am working so hard now for what? To make sure I have a comfy house to come home miserable to every day I guess. This routine is killing me, it’s not fun, it doesn’t make life seem very exciting. This is not what I want to do my whole life or I will go friggen crazy. Already a quarter of the way there probably but that is okay, I don’t stay long these days.